Life Is So Good!

I have started packing up to move....

2012-02-01T10:37:00.001-05:00

Packing up SUX..!!!! There just is not a nice way to say it.

I am feeling the best I have felt in a year.
At least I now have a mission to sell his house to pack up and move to Panama City Beach Florida.Once there I will have to search for a job but I'm hopeful that won't be as difficult as people think it could be.
I really wasn't ready to retire to the old folks community but circumstances have dictated that maybe I should be.
Once I made up my mind that this was what I had to do, I started actively engaging in the manual labor that's involved with packing up four-bedroom house to move.
I am downsizing considerably so I have had to be pretty harsh with getting rid of stuff and things I packed up my office first which had wall-to-wall bookshelves that was hard work and took two whole days to get the books packed and the shelves out into the garage. Then I packed up the master bathroom, doesn't seem like that should be such a major task but I have a lot of storage room and a whole big closet in there, and there was a lot of stuff that I had kept or accumulated because I had the space now that I won't have the space I had to throw out a bunch of things that really were good things that I had bought and did not like, didn't use, so why do I save that stuff?
Anyway I have my garage stuffed full and still have a lot to go through to throw out I'm trying to get this all done in a timely manner, so that I don't throw everything out , the way like I did the last time I had to move and downsize.
It can be over whelming task to get this all done especially when I'm not in the best physical shape to do the hard work but I have been getting up every morning not early but getting up and working all day long very little sitting, no watching television. I'm pleased with the progress that I've made.I have sorted out the things into piles of to go to Panama City Beach, to go to Goodwill, to give to friends or family, and trash.
I am amazed at how much better I feel since I have a mission to work towards a goal to get to this is the first time in a year since I found out that I had cancer that have really felt almost normal.My arthritis is bad the medicines that I've been taking have eaten through my stomach so I have ulcers so I can't really take anything for the arthritis. My body is finding it very difficult to do this hard work.
I have one more test to get done from the the gastroenterologist. A gallbladder function test it's a gallbladder squeeze test is what he called, he thinks my gallbladder might not be functioning correctly and that is why the liver enzymes have been so high. Although when he did my upper endoscopic test he told me that my blood test results had come back in the liver enzymes were normal.
That was a shock because they've been high for almost 10 months. All the doctors seem concerned about it, but nobody actually did anything until I went to the PA at my doctor's office and she sent me to the gastroenterologist So I am grateful that she took action. Now just to get this one last test out-of-the-way and then I should be pretty well set to move in and start looking for new doctors to take care me in Florida.
It has been a chore keeping up with all the doctor appointments and scheduling. I have really needed an administrative assistant because I have not been doing very well myself keeping track of the correct dates and times. I went this morning for a doctors appointment that isn't due until 1 March I was only off by a month. It'd been entered in my calendar wrong by me.I am hoping to do better about keeping up with where I should be when.I'm actually beginning to look forward to moving to the beach house. It is a lot smaller, and I have loved my time in this house. There is no yard at the beach house to take care of and my garden will have to be in flowerpots. But there is a lot of activity going on all the time new people to meet all the time places to go things to do a community to be a part of or just be a beach bum the stress of not having to earn a big paycheck is going to be well worth the few things that I might consider a struggle to give up.
If you've been reading this to see how I'm doing and how I have survived breast cancer and all that that has done to change my life, I thank you for being interested.I thank you for the prayers which no doubt made everything possible for me.
And just want you to know that this year I'm going to get back to what I should be, loses 20 pounds I've put on because of inactivity and boredom.
I cannot however promise that my mind will get into better.
So by writing this post today I have been putting off starting to go through what's left in the garage that I haven't gone through yet, and filling up some more garbage bags with the stuff that I have kept, computer parts,old discs and none of it is useful anymore and I need to dispose of.
It's so hard to throw things away, because as soon as I throw something away that's when I need it.
More later thanks for keeping up with me however

A new Year and Hope for a new way of life!

2012-01-20T10:55:00.001-05:00

OK I have made up my mind......moving to the beach.......
Well I plan to move to the beach as soon as I get these medical issues under control....
Looks like the cancer may be under control unless the left breast acts up In a month Or so I go back for another mammogram to check on the dark spot , spotted last time and diagnosed as a To Watch item....But that's OK.. I now know what to expect if I get another breast cancer diagnosis and I know I will deal with it and be a survivor again.
The newest scary stuff is elevated blood enzymes that could be from a list:
Cancer somewhere else in my body
Maybe just the meds I am taking
Possibly something with my liver
A bad gall bladder (would need to be removed surgically)
an ulcer
an autoimmune something or other
and after that I kind stopped listening...
Tests to come
I will have an upper endoscopy
5 gallons of blood test
and two other tests for gallbladder
I hope I will know something before valentines day...
No special reason for that date... just a goal.... and being realistic I know test results and diagnosis takes awhile...
I pray it is something simple and I can get it taken care of and try to get on with my life changes....
I have decided what i will do , whether that actually happens the way I want to or not remains to be seen...
But I have faith and a positive attitude I can handle what ever it is and keep moving forward......

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My Birthday Anniversary!

2012-01-11T18:55:00.000-05:00

I am 66 years old...... I can't believe it!!
I am an Ancient person according to my own references of 50 years ago....
Boy has that perception changed....
I have finally decided the direction I am going to move in.... I have stopped procrastinating... and decided.... I am going to sell my house even if it costs me $20,000 to get out of it!!
And it may......according my real estate expert..... But what ever it takes I am going to do.. I have made up my mind......
I went to the heart Doctor today and he told me I have a bad valve but it is OK to just "watch" it for awhile since I have known for many years that I have a bad valve It is almost like a clean bill of health to say we will watch it.. If it kills me Oh well Maybe it was bad ! LOL
I have taken the first steps toward my future... And now I am getting excited about it.... I can make plans and move towards the future That I am pretty sure God wants me to move to..... I have prayed and and listened and now I think this is the smartest thing for me to do.....
I am sad to leave GA but I am a long way from my kids and and all my friends have moved from this area.... so I might as well go where I can live the cheapest and that is to the beach house....
I am so thrilled to have made up my mind it is not a hasty decision.
I have gone over and over in my mind what to do and now and I have decided what I am going to do and it is with a sigh of relief.... to have made up my mind... I am almost certain I can find a job in PCB in my field if I am there and looking productively at the options that are there...
I will be glad when the Doctors decide what is making my liver enzymes so out of whack .. but procrastinating about where to go is not going to make that happen any earlier and I can always come back to these Dr's if I need to...
So much for today..... My life goes on.... And I am grateful for all my friends that sent me wishes in emails by facebook and on the phone... It is a blessing to have so many people thinking of me today!! And I am grateful!!!!

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Two days of unemployment and I'm already bored!

2012-01-04T11:59:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday and I have cooked a few things that I normally never have time to do, and some of them have turned out and some of them have not.
I am really beginning to wonder how long it's going to be before I go crazy with cabin fever .
I started out the new year as a typical older person, screwing up my calendar, missing a doctors appointment . Now tomorrow I have to make up that appointment that I missed and have an echocardiogram done by the cardiologist . Then next week I go back for the follow-up where he tells me what he read in the echocardiogram .
I have really not been pursuing jobhunting the last two days I've glanced at the e-mails that come in, alerts from job sites that tell me what jobs are available that I should apply for.
I have applied for unemployment online and I'm waiting to hear when I must go into the unemployment office with picture ID and proof I am who I say I am and thenI can draw weekly unemployment checks until I find a new job.
I start drawing Social Security this year because I'm 66 but the first check won't arrive until February .
I will be glad to have the extra money and it will keep me from not panicking so much without a job since I will have a little dribble of funds coming into my checking account .
I'll feel much better when I actually get the COBRA insurance straightened out and paid for because I think that's going to take a month or so and I'm not sure how that will be handled with the appointments that I have to do this month and next . I'm sure it will work out in the and but it's the stress of getting it coordinated that does not appeal to me.
I need to go to the store for a couple of things and drop off my garbage the dumpster . and I'm Aure that I will think of something interesting to write about later on today

2012-01-02T13:21:00.000-05:00

Hey there,

It is Monday, January 2, 2012

The first day of my unemployment for 2012!

I have been organizing, and trying to throw out excess.

It is one of my most favorite occupations when I have time.

I haven't felt good enough this past year to keep up with organizing my home ,or my brain ,or my things, so it's a good feeling to not be pressed for time and be able to do that

I am confident that I will find a job here in the Atlanta area and not have to move from my house just yet. I just hope I am this confident a week from now !

I am so spoiled by having worked at home this past year, I don't get up early anymore, I come and go as I please, and my stress level has gone way down at least that part that was due to work schedules and commuting.

I think I've solved my problem about not sticking with writing my book

you dictate much faster and you don't get writer's cram The answer is to dictate it.

I bought Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 11.5 and I am using it to type this post.

It took about 30 min. to set it up and train it to listen to my voice and believe me I have had this before and it has come a long way since the last time I tried it.

It is working like a dream so now I might write my own book!!! :-)

I just wanted to test the software and let you know you might want to try it you can use it on your computer for e-mail, for documents or for when ever you have a to type text it also has commands for the computer you know to (I can't say them because it might try to do them )but to open, close file, you know things that you usually point and click to make happen.

Well have a great day!

Thinking about a Fantastic New Year!

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A brand New Year!! Welcome 2012

2011-12-31T19:45:00.001-05:00

As of yesterday I am unemployed......... just for now......
I cannot believe I am not panicked..... I know I will be after a few paydays go by and I am not receiving any money but for now I am planning all the Honey Do things I hope to accomplish with the free time...
I am awaiting the last procedure of the reconstruction the "TATTOO" I sure hope it helps the look of the reconstructed breast mound... Now when I see it in the mirror ( and believe me I try not to look) it lacks the quality to look like a breast..... The mound is there but the nipple and coloring is all pale..... different skin....
I will like my self image allot better if the tattoo makes it look like a real breast.. I can't believe how I see the reconstruction....
Since I am unemployed I will take the COBRA insurance so I can continue coverage for a few more months.
Right now I am waiting the Doctors to come back from vacation and view the results of the tests they ordered... to figure out what is causing all the awful blood reports.... The ultrasound technician said it sounds like gall bladder or could be liver and it could be cancer somewhere else in my body... ... Sothey are not done yet figuring out what is wrong with me if anything....
I do know.... I am planning on 2012 being a much better year than last year 2011 was...

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Hump Day and the end of my Job!

2011-12-14T13:13:00.001-05:00

You can see the sutures which come out tomorrow.
I have a GDIT Christmas Luncheon and Dr appt at 1:40pm So lunch will be fast!
I am really feeling better since the Dr gave me the High Blood pressure medicine.
The first morning I took it my BP went down so low I thought I was going to pass out.. But it got better during the day.. and seems to be OK now It has been so erratic lately not only high but low too.
I think the medicine the doctor gave me is working in a good way
I got my "Separation" letter.from GDIT, so it is Real My job Ends Dec 30 2011 And I will be unemployed ( for awhile)
I am not panicked yet although I may get there I am not yet.
I am trying very hard to keep a positive attitude that someone will want me and it will actually be fun or better somehow than jobs I have had in the past
I have no idea what I will do now I have had so many scenarios in my mind and I am not certain which one I will be taking ( yet) but assume I am going to have to decide really Soon.....
All this really does Spoil the holiday season for me though..:-)
Haven't heard anything more from the Breast Surgeon so I assume the second tests made them feel safe enough to just Watch the dark spot and I go back in 3 months to test again
I haven't heard anything about the skin lesion that was removed although I should hear that tomorrow when they remove the sutures. Although last time I had to call them after the deadline to hear passed with no word so I'm not real confident they would have notified me anyway, knowing I have this appt.
Oh well I go to My regular Dr. today so he can take blood again and decide what to do about my low thyroid... I am really so tired of Hospitals and Doctors.....
This has been such a year so focused on health and me I'm tired of it!
I will be so glad when I am completely done enough to feel almost normal.
But I suspect that as we age this IS the new "NORMAL" way too many tests and medicines..
Does No one that is aging ever get to have FUN anymore???

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Is December going to get better??

2011-12-02T14:23:00.003-05:00

Since my stint in the ER I thought things were going well.....I came back and had a mammogram on the remaining breast which the breast surgeon said he thought looked ok,.But the Radiologist need to view and report on it and if he found something they would call me to come back and eitherdo more xrays or more tests..
Whew I am almost in the clear...
That was Monday then Thursday I had to go have the Skin that was suspicious removed from my chest just above the remaining breast.

When I arrived for that small surgery the Doctor explained that the biopsy indicated cancer (basil cell carcinoma) and that they would take a sq inch size new biopsy (felt like about 20 stitches)and if it came back with Clear margins that would be that BUT if not they would have to go back and take a larger area out. That was NOT really What I had expected to hear and I was really unprepared for that diagnosis and I have to say a bit depressing after everything else I have been through.....

Then When I got back home from that I had a message from the Breast Health Clinic and I knew that wasn't good news...I called them and they said (all they would say over the phone) that the radiologist wanted Dr Vaziri to do an Ultrasound to confirm what he saw on the mammogram. I have to admit I have had it in my head all along since I woke up from the mastectomy surgery . I should have opted to have both breasts removed, because I just feel like the remaining one is the one I had all the lumps and dense masses in and I am prepared for it to be cancer too. I have had several lumps drained and one removed on that side so I was shocked when it was my right breast that was diagnosed with cancer.

So I am not in the clear yet...

My job will end Dec 31 2011 (unless a miracle happens) and I will have to find a new job so I can keep going

I am so calm about this now ( I haven't been in the past) but I feel That God will provide me a good path to go down and I will be planted again where he wants me to be... and it may not even require a physical move.. That would be terrific...but I am so sure it will be good for me.... that it is hard to be down about it right now.

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Thanksgiving Eve in the ER

2011-11-26T16:33:00.000-05:00

I am at PCB
but I spent all day Wednesday. at the Bay County ER they wanted to admit me for observation but after all the tests came back I promised to come right back in if things got worse

The night before I was sitting in the recliner after working all day and just sititng there and reading my book and this pain started from my sternum halfway up my neck it hurt and radiated but the pressure was the worst like an elephant sitting on my chest

I tried different positions and everything in the medicine cabinet for indigestion and finally took a pain pill which did not help so by daylight I was in tears it hurt so bad I couldn't swallow or take deep Breath

I debated about an urgent care place but it was still very early here so I opted for Bay County ER

They took me right in and started all the tests right away

I just wanted the pain to stop and for them to tell me I wasn't having a heart attack

They kept insisting since I was old and alone that they needed to watch me for 24 hours and I kept insisting I DID not want to be admitted I promised to return if any of it got worse

They gave me pain pills I had to stop and get filled and then I came on home just like an 8 hour day at the office LOL

Dawn was glad to see me!

I slept some that night with the pain pills and not moving and all the next day

Barbara my next dooe beighbor down here had invited me to her Thanksgiving Supper she has every year at the clubhousefor about 100 friends but she knew I went to the hospital so she brought me a plate back

The pain was better by Thursday evening but I was running a fever to make me feel even worse

I have "Costochondritus" a sprained and strained chest wall muscle

They suspect it was from the mastectomy and the muscles are already weak that were left behind

And maybe me lifting furniture and heavy things is not a good idea?...

I think maybe it was my flu shot that made me sick

Seems like all I have to talk about is my medical history

Barb is in Pensacola at Scott's Dads they will divert over here on their way home Sunday morning and Barb is gonna drive me home I still feel like an invalid.

When I contacted the kids to say the ER wanted to admit me

Mike was in CT

Lisa was in NY

And Barb ( thank God) was in Pensicola (2.5 hours from Panama City Beach) It took having 3 kids to get one close enough to help me :-)

Well have a great day
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It's been awhile but I am still here!

2011-11-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

I am really tired of the weight I have gained
I am really tired of the joint pain I am experiencing
I am tired of being sleepy all the time
I am tired of having absolutely no life but Medicine and all the bad side effects they
Create
I am tired of feeling so old and useless
I am tired of being this way
I cannot remember ever feeling so done
But that's just today and this moment
I certainly wish there was some other way to live with the hot flashes besides
The effexor (anti depressant). I do not like how it makes me feel
I wasn't depressed till I started taking it
It seems to take care of the hot flashes enough that I can almost deal with them but I
Am not sure it is worth how horrible it makes me feel mentally
I have certainly considered stopping the cancer drug that causes the hot flashes so I
can stop the antidepressant
Maybe I am not supposed to live a long life
And the cancer drug is for 4.5 more years by then feeling like I do now I will be an invalid!!!
Maybe tomorrow I will feel better but I don't think so

Sleepless Night

2011-10-19T04:04:00.001-04:00

I am wide awake and it is 3:41am..............at 11:00am I go back to Dr Feldman, my plastic surgeon for the one week check up. I have not been able to shower since the surgery per Dr's orders so I am praying this bandage will come off and I can again jump in the shower
I have been creative all week washing my hair each day by hanging over the edge of the bathtub and then getting in a very shallow bath to keep any water away from the skin graft.
It is bandaged with an opening around the newly artistically designed nipple and from what I can see through the scabs and blood, it really looks like a nipple.
It is a piece of art!!! Had no idea the Dr could produce this.
I can't wait to see what the whole reconstructed breast will look like, just. The tattooing remains if the graft survives
So much has happened this week it is hard for me sort it all out
Lisa. Went to kris's barn dance birthday party for Brett over the weekend and Andrea came and stayed with me she is my only grandchild that actually wants to spend time with me since they became adults and I really enjoy spending time with her
My ex brother in law passed away unexpectedly and it really shook me up I wanted to go to the visitation and service to see his 5 children but I ended up not feeling well enough to go and besides I can't even wear regular clothes. I do. Have sympathy for the family losing a parent.
A worker left the job this week and I was estatic........ I really had a hard time trying to work with him and it is a real relief not having to anymore
I have several property tax bills due and the Florida house insurance says they are canceling my house I surname because my roof is too old unless I get a new roof or certified statement from a certified roofer that the roof has 3 good years left . It's a metal roof!!!! I thought they lasted forever...... Oh well just one of the many day to day surprises I have encountered this week.
I am still walking 30-40 min a day and I complete the walk each day knowing how out of shape I have become
The medicines I am taking cause joint pains and bone loss and I almost feel like cripple
Stop whining Linda....... You have your hair still and you are alive!!!
So buck up and deal with it!!!
More next time......

Foot Pain and Mondays!

2011-10-10T15:54:00.000-04:00

Well I was wrong about the stumble and fall I had Saturday didn't hurt anything. It didn't feel so bad Saturday but OMG Saturday night it hurt!!
I ended up taking a pain pill to sleep and wrapped it up and babied it all day Sunday. When ever I have bruising on any part of my legs It always sends the blood to pool up at the bottom inside of my feet . Why Is that? Anyway Today it s still a bit swelled but Dawn and I went for a walk in the misting rain anyway! And it didn't hurt that bad So proud of me for following through and continuing the routine and DAWN was so appreciative even With the mist coming down!
I am serious about getting back in shape... well at least this week I am!
Tomorrow I will have the nipple surgery . I have to be at the Hospital at 7:45 am
Lisa will come down tonight (bless her) to be my designated driver. I feel so bad taking advantage of her But she is willing to help me and I need help. They won't let you have surgery if you do not have a driver to take you home and stay with you 24 hours.... I can do without the 24 hour deal if I can get away from the hospital LOL!
I need to go back to the beach house to check on my flowers . My neighbor had to turn off my watering system I set up to keep them green because she thought it was overwatering and she was afarid they would all rot... So I need to get back there and check the AC I put in the bedroom wndow and make sure the raccons from the State Park have not found those plastic spacers and invited themselves inside... and fix the watering system again... I would love to have the money to upgrade the inside of the place new floors windows and furniture... But Alas I think it will probably stay like it is for a while unless I win the lottery ! :-) And I would have to buy a ticket to do that!

Fall is in the AIR!

2011-10-08T14:04:00.000-04:00

Fall is in the air and I am determined to shed this extra weight I have gained since surgery in April...

I have been so lazy and uncomfortable and I just quit my normal routine of walking and when I am lazy I eat too much....

So for the last two weeks I have been trying to walk again and it is really hurting my joints!

They are so unused to exercise they have screamed aloud with each step..

Dawn of course loves that time a day when she sees me put on those weird Rocker tennis shoes that are supposed to make each step count more. I am fine as long as I don't try to stand still and keep moving. When I stand still I feel like I am rocking back and forth and lose my balance. How funny is that? lol!!!

I fell today while walking with Dawn and hurt my ankle... I was sure afraid it was going to be painful but I had no choice but to pick myself up and walk on to get back home..

By the time I got back to the house I forgot I had even fallen so I guess it will be OK!

It is still warm at noon to walk in the sun But I an so proud of myself . It is like the first real progress I have made towards getting back to where I was physically last November when I first heard that I might have Cancer.

I go Tuesday (as outpatient) to get the nipple reconstruction surgery . I sure hope it does well

Evidently because it is a skin graft it can not do so well and have to be removed and redone...So I am hoping it will take the first time..

And I hope I can keep up the walking and get back to where I do not feel like such a cripple... I know I am aging but I want to age at the normal rate not like this last year has made me feel......

The antidepressant medicine when taken in a certain way can be helpful for the hot flashes . I still have them but They are allot more manageable now... Thank God!!

More later

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Hope for hot flashes!!

2011-09-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

I went to the Oncologist and almost cried explaining how awful the hot flashes are. I don't know why they are worse for me . It may be the medicine or it may be my bodies reaction to the medicine but either way 24 hot flashes in 24 hours that makes you sweat until you are soaking wet are NO FUN!
There are other side effects also ( joint pain) and more....
I can barely walk it has made my left hip hurt so bad and other joints pick and choose when they will flare up and be painful and I cannot tolerate the arthritus medicine that would help with that.
But I gave up and agreed to try the doctors prescription of antidepressants as a last straw. I hate taking them but at this point I am ready to do whatever it takes to make the quality of my life better.
The first dose prescribed helped for about 6 hours then wore off. They have doubled that dose and it helps for about 12 hours and it can be doubled again which is probably going to be the next step.
It does not make them go away, but the frequency and the intensity is a whole lot more bearable..
I guess I have No choice but to be BLISSFULLY HAPPY and not depressed for the next 5 years!!
I really don't notice that I am taking antidepressants but maybe that is because I am not depressed to start with.
I do have a few side effects from the medicine.. I have headaches and pressure in my head that I don't have normally . My vision is a bit blury and it makes it really hard for me get rest. It makes me hungry and I have gained weight( working to keep that from happening.....) BUT I am willing to put up with all that so the hotflashes can be better controlled.
I have thought about and learned alot about my life. Most of it I had already discovered for myself , but there has be additonal enlightenment during this time.
It was almost a year ago(Nov 2010) that I had the mammogram that uncovered the cancer to start with.
And each step along the way there has been surprises about my coping mechanism.
I have learned which people in my life really value me and which don't.
I have learned that prayers and support from family and friends are such a valuable gift and I have discovered how some others really think and see me from their side.
You always think you know people well enough to predict how they will react but I was wrong alot and surprised at peoples reactions .
Some are priceless gifts and some are things I will choose to forget and ignore.
I have been so blessed that work has allowed me to keep going from home because much of this time since March I would have been extremely uncomfortable at the office. They have been extremly generous to allow this space.
I thankful for the wonderful medical team I have had I trust them all and know that alot of the hope comes from Trust in your team.
This has been a real turning point in my chapters of life and I have sure spent alot of time analyzing my past and what the future holds.
It has definitely taken my comfort zone to a new height and some things that used to matter no longer do and things that didn't before make a big difference now.
I am certainly looking forward to the completion of the reconstruction. One of the reactions I didn't think I would have was the disdain I have for the way my body looks now But I am hoping the completeion of reconstruction will make me more comfortable with my new look. I am counting on it.
I will not change much about the way I live my life , but my thinking and how I feel about things and people has really changed.

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My interest in the process has increased

2011-09-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

I know more about my own surgery now than I did while it was going on..
I have found that when you are confronted with the big :C: word you tend to draw inward
Or at least I did... I was in shock much of the time before the surgery and afterwards I was in so much pain I had very little time to investigate what had been done to me and I didn't like looking at my body it made me hurt worse.
Now I am near the completion of the reconstruction I am able to be interested in the surgical procedures
they used on me.
I have the nipple reconstruct Oct 11th and then about month after that the tattoo.
Then it's time to get a mammogram on my remaining breast.

Since that is the one that has a known lump( maybe scar tissue from a previous lumpectomy) I was surprised they didn't think it was cancer too. They checked but I am not sure how good they did once they new the right breast had cancer.
So I will not breathe easy until that next exam and I hope they are allot more thorough. I wish now I had had both removed at the same time.
But I couldn't have had the tram flap They didn't think I had enough tissue to make two boobs ! LOL
So I would have gotten gel implants and could have become Busty! Something I have NEVER been..
Oh well I think I am where I am supposed to be...and only time will reveal the future.
So I try to stay busy working and am trying to build up my strength which is at zero now... I am soooo out of shape and any little bit of exertion does me in. I sure hope that will improve I am trying but it is hard to force myself I am so tired all the time

I am worried about having a job and whether I will have to move and if I do where will I move and will I be able to get a job.. And who will help me pack and sell this house.... Way too much to worry about until I know more about what is going to happen and I am sure that when I find out what I have to do to stay employed I will be exactly where God wants me to be!
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The history of Masectomy Surgery and an explanation with pictures of the surgery and reconstruction I had.

2011-09-15T13:03:00.001-04:00

This is long but I thought I would share for those that are interested in learning about Breast cancer and reconstruction ( at least the kind I had)

Breast Cancer Reconstruction History

Documented cases of breast cancer date back to 6000 BC, andfollowing its history over the centuries is harrowing to say the least. IfCleopatra had breast cancer, the ancient Egyptian doctors would have cauterizedher breast in hopes of burning out the disease. The treatment was so untenablethat women neglected their disease if a lump was discovered. Their breastsbecame disfigured as their tumors took over their bodies. But the alternativewas worse than the disease. George Washington’s mother succumbed to breastcancer. So did Queen Mary. Nabby Adams, the daughter of John and Abigail Adams,suffered through a mastectomy in which she was tied to a chair and withoutanesthesia her breast was removed. She survived the surgery only to die fromthe disease. This was common practice in the 18th century.
In the 19th century, anesthesia was developed and surgicaloptions improved a great deal. Breast cancer surgery was revolutionized by Dr.William Halsted, who popularized the radical mastectomy as the treatment ofchoice for any woman with breast cancer. Even though an extreme amount oftissue was removed, women were surviving the operation and their breastcancers. He removed not only the breast, but the lymph nodes and the chestmuscles. In some extreme cases, other surgeons performing radical mastectomiesincluded removing part of the rib cage. This was so disfiguring though that thepractice was soon stopped.
It was not until the latter half of the 20th century and theawakening of the women’s movement that these radical procedures werequestioned. Modified radical mastectomy (total mastectomy with axillary lymphnode dissection) was perfected. Breast conservation therapy consisting oflumpectomy, sentinel lymph node biopsy and radiation was developed. The emergenceof breast cancer reconstruction took off.
The Evolution ofBreast Implants
During World War II, Dow Chemical Company created commercialuses for silicone. The first use of silicone breast implants for cosmeticbreast augmentation occurred in 1962. Dow Corning, along with several othercompanies, started manufacturing implants both for cosmetic augmentation andreconstruction after mastectomies. Women found that silicone implants lookedand felt better than the saline alternative.
However, those early generation devices exhibited problems overtime. Silicone leakage led to breast scarring and sometimes painfuldeformities. Allegations that breast implants could cause cancer or autoimmunediseases were made by health care advocacy groups, fueling mass litigation. Bythen over one million women had silicone implants. In 1992, the Food and DrugAdministration banned them. David Kessler, the head of the FDA stated, “We wantsurgeons to stop using these implants in patients until this new evidence canbe thoroughly evaluated, I’m asking patients to understand that the Food andDrug Administration commissioner cannot assure the safety of these devices atthe present time.” Dow Corning stopped producing implants and later went intoChapter 11 bankruptcy.
Between 1992 and 2006 saline filled breast implants remainedthe only fully-approved type of implant on the market in the United States.Patient satisfaction was, and remains good, but the interest in siliconeimplants continued. During this period large scale studies of the healtheffects of silicone implants were performed. Numerous reports from institutionsincluding the Mayo Clinic, the National Institute of Medicine, and otherindependent commissions all corroborated that there was no causal relationship betweenbreast implants and illnesses like cancer or lupus. This led to the nationaladjunct study which was commissioned to prospectively analyze the outcomes ofwomen using silicone implants for reconstruction. Plastic surgeons worked withthe two remaining U.S. implant manufacturers, Mentor and McGhan (nowInamed/Allergan) to report data in an FDA approved protocol.
Finally, in November of 2006, the Food and Drug Administrationreversed its ban on silicone-filled breast implants. The FDA’s press release stated, “The products havebeen determined to be safe and effective.” Now, silicone gel implants arewidely used for both cosmetic breast augmentation and breast cancerreconstruction. These newer generation silicone devices are the safest, softestand most natural implants to date. Both saline and silicone implants arepopular choices today.
The Evolution ofAutogenous Tissue Reconstruction
Numerous techniques have evolved to allow for breastreconstruction using natural tissues from a woman’s body rather than anartificial implant. The earliest techniques utilized muscles to provide bloodflow to skin and fat so that that this tissue could be transported to the chestto create a breast mound. The latissimus dorsi flap was the most popular formof autogenous tissue breast cancer reconstruction in the 1970s. Skin, fat andmuscle from the back were rotated to the front of the body to create a breast.Today, this procedure is used in conjunction with implants to provide a fullerlooking breast.
In 1982, the first TRAM flap (transverse rectus abdominus myocutaneous)procedure was performed. In this procedure, a woman’s lower abdominal skin andfat is used to make the breast. In this flap, the rectus abdominis muscle isused to support the skin and fat which is tunneled up into the breast area.Today, this flap remains the standard of care in this and other countries,creating natural appearing breasts and improved abdominal contours.
Nevertheless, there are drawbacks to using these muscles and sotechniques have evolved to minimize or eliminate the need for sacrificingmuscles for breast cancer reconstruction. The use of microvascular free flapsallows transplanting tissue from one part of the body to another without theuse of a large muscle. The abdomen is the source of many varieties of suchflaps. The TRAM free flap uses only a small portion of the rectus muscle, whilethe DIEP free flap (deepinferior epigastric perforator), and the SIEA free flap (superficial inferior epigastric)utilize none of the rectus muscle. The buttock is another source of skin andfat that can be used to create a breast. The GAP free flaps (gluteal artery perforator)allow a hidden donor site most useful for women with insufficient abdominaltissue. As a result of these procedures, women recover easier and have fewercomplications from the donor site.
All of these procedures, as well as the techniques for creatinga natural nipple and areola are explained further in the section on Types of Reconstruction.
The future is bright for breast reconstruction and breastcancer patients. It was a long, hard journey in the beginning. But with theadvent of systemic therapy, new surgical procedures, and a healthy partnershipbetween patient and doctor, women are living longer and looking better thanever before. This could be considered the golden age of breast cancerreconstruction. The only downside is trying to decide which procedure you want!

This is the type of reconstruction I had.

TRAM Flap

The most common method of autogeneous tissue reconstruction isthe pedicled transverse rectus abdominus myocutaneous (TRAM) flap. In thisapproach, the entire rectus abdominus muscle is used to carry the lowerabdominal skin and fat up to the chest wall. A breast shape is then createdusing this tissue. In order to transfer the flap to the chest, the muscle istunneled under the upper abdominal skin. Since the patient’s own body tissue isutilized, the result is a very natural breast reconstruction. Also, the patientwill have the benefit of a flatter looking abdomen. The scar on the abdomen islow, and extends from hip to hip. The TRAM flap can be used for reconstructingone or both breasts. In a patient undergoing unilateral reconstruction, theTRAM flap can potentially offer better symmetry than using an implant.

TRAM Flap Reconstruction

The TRAM flap is based on the superior epigastric vessels,which are considered to be the secondary blood supply to the lower abdominalwall skin. Some patients should not have this type of reconstruction because oflimitations in the flap blood supply. For example, smoking, diabetes, andobesity are considered to be relative contraindications to having a pedicledTRAM flap breast reconstruction.

While the benefit of the TRAM flap is a natural looking andfeeling breast, the primary disadvantages relate to the abdominal wall donorsite. These include potential abdominal wall weakness, bulging, and hernia. Toprevent hernia, most surgeons will use a synthetic mesh when closing theabdomen.

The TRAM flap operation is more involved than implantreconstruction. The length of surgery for a unilateral TRAM flap reconstructionis generally four to five hours. For bilateral reconstruction, it isapproximately five to seven hours. The hospital stay is usually three to fivedays. The patient will have abdominal pain and tightness for several weeks, andit can often several months to return to a full range of activity.

Secondary procedures after a TRAM flap reconstruction can bedone in about 3 months. However, if chemotherapy is needed, any additionalsurgery must await completion of treatment. At that point, the patient can haverevisions to the breasts and abdomen, and the nipple areola can be created.Such additional procedures are typically done as outpatient surgery with arapid recovery.

You are an ideal candidate for TRAM flap reconstruction if you:

desire autogeneous reconstruction
do not want or are not a candidate for implant reconstruction
have enough lower abdominal wall tissue to create one or both breasts
have not had prior abdominal surgery
previously had chest wall radiation
have had failed implant reconstruction
are having immediate reconstruction at the time of skin-sparing mastectomy
are having delayed reconstruction following prior mastectomy

You are not an ideal candidate for TRAM flap reconstruction ifyou:

do not have enough lower abdominal tissue to create the flaps
have a large overhanging pannus of abdominal skin and fat
have a BMI of 30 or above
have diabetes
are a smoker or quit smoking only recently
have had previous abdominal surgeries such as abdominoplasty
cannot tolerate anesthesia for long periods
do not wish to have a lower abdominal scar

NippleAreola Reconstruction

Creatingthe nipple areola is the final component to making your breast reconstructioncomplete. There have been numerous approaches to nipple reconstruction over thelast 30 years, and with several options available, surgeons can utilizewhichever method is most suitable for their patients. There is no one absolutebest method of nipple reconstruction for all patients. Some patients arecomfortable without having a nipple, and do not wish to have further surgery.Others choose the non-surgical option of tattooing without reconstruction. Thisallows color pigmentation to simulate the nipple areola without the contour ofan actual nipple. Still, the reconstruction of the nipple areola helps to putthe finishing touches on the new breast after a long journey in reconstruction.

Afteroptimal symmetry between the breasts has been achieved, the nipple areolareconstruction can be done. There are a number of factors that help determinewhich method of nipple reconstruction is right for you. These include the qualityof tissue on the reconstructed breast, and whether you are having nipplereconstruction with or without a surrounding graft. Even more important, isyour surgeon’s preference.

Historically,one technique included sharing a piece of the nipple from the opposite breast.This surgery is not used today, because it transfers breast tissue to thereconstruction that could potentially form a new cancer. Another method used inthe past involved taking a full thickness skin graft from the labia to create adark colored areola. This outdated technique leaves a scar in an undesirablelocation. Also, these grafts may be hair bearing, and areolar pigment is easierachieved with medical tattooing.

Inmodern approaches to nipple reconstruction, the nipple mound is created fromskin taken as a local flap on the reconstructed breast. Various local flapshave been described, including the Skate flap, the C-V flap and the Star flap.Regardless of which approach your surgeon chooses, the outcome will be a nipplemound. The areola can then be either tattooed, or it can be reconstructed witha skin graft taken from elsewhere on the body. Common donor sites for the graftinclude the abdominal scar from a flap reconstruction, the inner thigh, or thebuttock crease.

Nipple Areola Reconstruction (Skate Flaps and Skin Graft)

Click Image to Enlarge

Allnipple reconstructions lose some projection over time as part of the normalwound healing process. The risk of wound complications in nipple reconstructionis very low in patients with no history of prior radiation, but common in theradiated breast. In the case of failed nipple reconstruction, it may benecessary to revise the reconstruction with another local skin flap. Sometimes,the use of dermis or fat grafts, and fillers such as Radiesse, may be necessaryto improve nipple projection. AlloDerm® has also beenutilized by some surgeons at the time of nipple reconstruction to maximizeprojection and correct flattening.

Nipplereconstruction is done as an outpatient, ambulatory procedure. The rate ofrecovery depends on what other revisions are done simultaneously, and where thedonor site for the areola graft is located. Once you have healed, you will havethe tattooing done in your surgeon's office. Refer to the Nipple AreolaTattoosection for details on this procedure. Also you may refer to the Post-OperativeNipple Reconstructionsection to learn about care after nipple surgery.

Photos and Doctor Commentary

This patient underwent bilateral mastectomies and TRAM flap reconstruction. Her nipple reconstruction was completed with skate skin flaps. Each areola is a skin graft taken from the healed TRAM flap scar on the abdomen. This is the final appearance after nipple areola tattoo.

Nipple areola reconstruction after bilateral TRAM flaps

Nipple areola reconstruction after bilateral expander implants

Click Image to Enlarge

This patient underwent bilateral mastectomies and expander implant reconstruction. Both nipples were reconstructed with skate skin flaps and each areola is a skin graft taken from her abdomen. The photo on the left is before nipple tattoo. The photo on the right is the final appearance after nipple areola tattoo.

Nipple Areola Tattoo

The finishing touch to breast reconstruction is having your nipple areola tattooed. This is usually done in your plastic surgeon's office. Tattooing is a simple, fast procedure. There is no need to be scared. If you are matching a new nipple areola to the existing breast, your plastic surgeon will mix various colors and shades to get the correct pigment. If you had bilateral reconstructions, your surgeon can use your preoperative photos to recreate the nipple color, or you can pick a new color that you like against your skin tones. As with any tattoo, the pigment will fade in time. Getting the right shade of color may require more than one tattoo procedure. If you are having nipple tattooing alone, with no nipple reconstruction, you may want to look for a doctor that specializes in giving your tattoo a three dimensional appearance.

If you have had a breast implant and regained some breast skin sensation, your plastic surgeon may need to give you an injection of local anesthetic. Most patients with flap reconstruction have little sensation. After drawing the outline of the areola, the surgeon will place the tattooing instrument against your breast. You may feel a pushing and vibrating sensation, as many small needles transfer pigment into your skin. The entire process can take as little as fifteen minutes.

Also you may refer to the Post-Operative Tattoo section to learn about care after nipple tattoo.

Photos and Doctor Commentary

Nipple areola tattoo procedure	Immediately after nipple areola tattoo procedure
Click Image to Enlarge

The nipple tattooing process, completed as an office procedure, is shown here. Immediately after the tattooing is completed, the colors are difficult to see because the pigment mixes with the blood.

Final appearance after the tattooing has healed

Click Image to Enlarge

Allograft Use in Breast Reconstructive Surgery

Description
Acellular tissue matrix is a specially-prepared tissuereplacement product that is created from native human skin that has beenprocessed so that the basement membrane and cellular matrix remain intact.However, the processing removes cellular components that can lead to bothrejection and infection.
Reports of use of this tissue matrix (allograft) in breast reconstructivesurgery are being published. Most reports describe use of the allograft tocreate a “hammock” or “sling” to provide improved inferior and lateral supportfor breast implants. This has been used in immediate and delayed reconstructionas well as in revision of prior reconstructive surgery. There also is someinterest in using the allograft in nipple reconstruction post-mastectomy.
The potential advantages of using this device are to reduce the total time forreconstructive surgery post-mastectomy, minimize the likelihood of implantmigration, and improve esthetic outcomes. For example, use of the allograft mayallow for implantation of a silicone implant during immediate reconstruction insome patients.
AlloDerm is an acellular dermal matrix (allograft) derived from donated humanskin tissue supplied by US AATB-compliant tissue banks utilizing the standardsof the American Association of Tissue Banks (AATB) and U.S. Food and DrugAdministration's (FDA) guidelines. Since AlloDerm is regarded as minimallyprocessed and not significantly changed in structure from the natural material,the FDA has classified it as banked human tissue.
Note: This policy only addresses use of the allograft material for use inbreast reconstructive surgery.

Policy
Use of allograft material may be considered medically necessaryfor use in breast reconstructive surgery:

when there is insufficient tissue expander or implant covereage by the pectoralis major muscle and additional coverage is required,
when there is viable but compromised or thin post-mastectomy skin flaps that are at risk of dehiscence or necrosis, or
the infra-mammary fold and lateral mammary folds have been undermined during mastectomy and re-establishment of these landmarks is needed.

Post-Operative Tattoo
You will have ointment and a gauze dressing placed inside yourbra or taped onto your breast reconstruction. You will need gauze andBacitracin or Aquaphor at home in order to change the dressing every few hoursfor the first few days.. It is best to use a non-adherent type of gauze dressingand a generous amount of ointment on the tattoo. For the first day, the tattoowill bleed or ooze a mixture of ink and blood. The color of the tattoo willappear to be quite dark. Do not panic, this is completely normal. You will needto care for the tattoo for several days. During this period, the ink and bloodwill scab off, and the true color of the tattoo will be revealed. It isimportant not to let the tattoo get dry. While in the comfort of you own home,if you can sit without clothing and maintain the ointment over the tattoo, thehealing process will be faster. Having clothes rub against the tattoo may beuncomfortable, and the ink or scabs may stain your clothing.
The tattoo will mature over the course of several weeks. If youfind the color is too light, you can always go back and have more pigmentadded. If you already had an emotional boost from having your nipple surgery,once the tattoo has healed, you are officially done!

Post-Operative Abdominal Flap
If you have not yet had your surgery, you may want to begin byreading the Preparing for Surgery section for TRAM flapand other abdominal flap reconstruction. If you have taken the time to preparefor surgery, all that will be left to do is rest and heal. In this section youwill find tips to help you recover, and learn about how surgery might affectyou. It is important to remember that everyone is different, and we all heal atour own pace. What works for some, may not work for others. We hope thissection will serve as a helpful guide for you.
In the Hospital
Upon waking up from surgery, you may be confused as you awakenfrom anesthesia. Others may feel sharp and alert as soon as their breathingtube is removed. If you have never had surgery with a breathing tube, it isimportant to remember not to fight it when the doctor takes it out, and take anice deep breath once it is removed. Your throat may feel raw and you may havetrouble speaking at first, but this will wear off soon. If you feel any nausea,do not be afraid. You will be surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses thatwill take care of you, no matter what may arise.
Once in the recovery room, you will have strong painmedication, and you will probably sleep a lot. You will have compressionsleeves on your legs that help with circulation. You will also be given anincentive spirometer, which is a breathing device that helps you expand yourlungs. Nurses will check on you often, especially if you have had microsurgery,to make sure the blood supply to the flap is not compromised. You will probablybe visited by a pain management specialist to help make you as comfortable aspossible. A computerized pain medicine pump may be attached to your IV thatallows you to receive pain medicine at the touch of a button. The drains willusually be secured together to make it easier to monitor your drain outputs.Most patients will have two drains for each reconstructed breast and two drainsin the abdomen. The nurses will care for your drains, and during that time youwill learn how to care for them yourself.
The day after surgery, you will be helped out of bed into achair. A catheter in the bladder from the operation will drain continue todrain urine so you will not have to go to the bathroom by yourself yet. Thiscatheter will be removed when you are more comfortable and mobile, usually bythe second or third day after surgery. You will have more pain in the abdomenthan in the breasts. If you are having a sentinel lymph node biopsy, or othernodes removed, you may feel sore, especially if the drains exit from under yourarms. Most of the breast area will feel numb. You will be slightly hunchedover, and you may have feelings of tightness and discomfort in your abdominalarea. Getting in and out of bed is usually the hardest part in the beginning.You won't have the benefit of a hospital bed once you get home, so it's helpfulto have someone give you support. From a reclining position, with your feet asclose to the floor as possible, your caretaker should place their right hand onyour lower back, and hold your left arm or hand in their left hand. On thecount of three, you want to get up, using their hand on your back for a littlepush. If you try this, and do it too slowly, you will feel pulling on yourabdomen. After a few tries you will find what works best for you. You have towill yourself to get up, and walk in the hall, or in your hospital room. Thesooner you can do this, the sooner you can get out of the hospital. Many peoplethink they should stay in the hospital longer, but this is unnecessary. Youwill heal and rest much more comfortably in your own home.
Recovery at Home
Upon discharge from the hospital, your nurses and doctor willgo over what you need to do at home. You will be given a prescription for painmedication, and an antibiotic. Please refer to Preparing for Surgery for tips about thecar, and what to wear home. When you get home you will need plenty of rest. Besure to stay hydrated. The sooner you can stop taking the narcotic pain pillsand switch to Tylenol, the easier your recovery will be. Some women have aneasier time in the beginning than others. You may be too tired to shower duringthe first week, but if your surgeon gives you permission, and you feel up toit, you can shower with the help of a caregiver. If you have a deep tub, youmay have problems climbing over it. You will need to pin all of your drainseither to a Velcro drain belt, or you may be given something in the hospitallike a gauze necklace to support the drains around your neck. It may help ifyou have a shower stool (you can get them in most drug stores) so you can sitdown in the shower, and someone can help you wash. Alternatively, you may buy(or obtain from the hospital) packs of disposable wash cloths. As the drainscome out, it will be much easier to shower.
You will most likely see your surgeon weekly until the lastdrain has been removed. You cannot rush removing the drains; as bothersome asthey may be, they are essential to proper wound healing. Generally once anindividual drain produces less than 20 to 30 cc's in a 24 hour period, yoursurgeon will remove it. In most patients, the drain removal does not hurt.
Resuming Activity
During this time, it is important that every day, little bylittle, you start to stand up straight. By the third week, you should no longerbe hunched over. Do not be afraid to stand up straight; it is normal to feeltightness in your abdomen. The sooner you are standing up straight, the sooneryou will be able to admire your new breasts in the mirror. Flap breasts mayfeel hard at first, but with every week that passes, the swelling will subside,and the breast will get softer and softer. Early after surgery, you do not needa bra, but if you feel you need something, many women recommend shelf bracamisoles, that are soft. You don't want anything that compresses thereconstructed breast too tightly, and you don't want underwire bras that mayirritate your healing scar. You will notice changes in the breasts especiallyover the first eight weeks. Keep in mind that during the second surgery, yoursurgeon will address any areas of aesthetic concerns you may have.
The abdominal discomfort you experience should begin to subsideonce the drains are removed. Sleeping will become more comfortable, however, itmay take time before you are able to sleep on you stomach. Some women find thatgetting a prescription from their surgeon to attend physical therapy helps themget back into normal activities more quickly. It is important to find aphysical therapist that has experience with breast cancer patients. You do notwant a physical therapist that deals only with sports injuries.
Within four to eight weeks you should be back to most of yournormal activities. You will still have some tightness in your abdomen. This iscompletely normal and can last for a few months. It is important to listen toyour body. While you may feel fine driving and doing household chores, it mayrequire a little more time before getting back to advanced Yoga or Pilatesclasses.
Intimacy
Many women have asked when it is okay to resume sexualactivity. Physically, it is safe once your drains are removed, and you feel upto it. Emotionally, it will take as much time as you need. Some women feeluneasy about not having nipples. If this is the case, wearing a camisole maymake you more comfortable. The general concern is wondering how your partnerwill feel. If you are comfortable and confident with the process ofreconstruction, you can ease any concerns your partner may have. The mostcommon concern partners may have, is that they will hurt you if they touch youthe wrong way. It is helpful to communicate, and be receptive to what yourpartner is saying. If you find yourself having a hard time emotionally, it maybe helpful to talk with other women who have already had reconstruction, or toseek help from a counselor.
The important thing to remember is that every day is betterthan the one before. The pain you feel in the hospital will soon become adistant memory. The scars will fade over time, and once you have completed thefinal stages of reconstruction, you will regain a sense of wholeness that willtruly help you to move beyond cancer.

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WOW it is September already!!!

2011-09-03T11:07:00.001-04:00

It is hard to believe how much time has passed It is 3/4 of the way through this last year of my employment contract....Hopefully It will get extended and I can stayed employeed a while longer..I cannot afford to go unemployed unfortuanetly... So health issues aside this is my most urgent concern.
I try to keep the fear of being penniless in check I know there are much worse things that could happen to me.. But I would prefer not to be a burden on anyone.
I am getting close to 23 weeks since surgery and I am still uncomfortable in a few places and still so out of kilter physically.... But thankful that there is hope of being normal again someday.
I just do not use meds well , my body does not react like it should and it makes it hard to predict what can help and what will hurt...when doctors are trying to treat me.
I go back to the cancer doctor next week and I am anxious to find out if increasing the medicine will help make the hot flashes any better... I have hope it will.
I am at the beach for the holiday weekend and Tropical Storm Lee is making it a very wet weekend. but that is ok... After all the heat and hot flashes Some cool cloudy rainy days are welcome!
And I have plenty of things to keep me busy on the nside . There is always alot of maintenance work that needs attention on a vacation home when you visit it.
So I am happy just piddling....

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There is hope!

2011-08-25T19:14:00.002-04:00

My appointment with the oncologist went well . I do not have any mutated genes so the percentage of recurrence is markedly down as an option with that news..
I gave in after the discussion with the Doctor and decided my fears about taking antidepressants were going to have to go to the back burner while I try his therapy and see if it helps....
I was also told my body WOULD NOT adjust and the symptoms would NOT diminish until I no longer take the drug.... so I wasn't left with any other solution.
So I went immediately to the drugstore to fill the prescription then home to try it out!
After less than hour I could tell that it had helped ( placebo???) even though the Doctor suggested it might take as long as 3 weeks for me to see any benefit.
It is Thursday one week later and I still feel like it has diminished some of the intensity and amount of the hot flashes.. But It wears off toward the evening
He gave me a small does to start with and it seems to last about 8 hours then gradually wears off .. So I am in hope he can increase the does and it Will last longer?
And then My life will be more bearable...But I have to say it is a bit better now.
I am waiting to see if the effect wears off or if it will be a permanent fix and I will unable to become depressed for 5 years :-)!
Yesterday I had an outpatient procedure to replace the battery in the neurotransmitter that I have in bedded in my hip that stimulates the nerve at the end of my spine .It is a treatment from Medtronics called Interstim Therapy for Overactive Bladder ( one of my OTHER issues ). The downside being even though it works really well the battery has to be replaced in 5 years and this was 5 years for mine. It went well and I was up ans out of there in a couple of hours... And Home back to working and nursing my new incision..... Pain pills keep it from being too uncomfortable. Besides it is a mild pain to some I have had recently.
The technology for these kinds of devices is changing everyday And the Dr told me that in about a year they will have the newly developed version approved that does not have to be removed to recharge. ( I assume this is for heart pacemakers too they are the same kind of device) They will be able to be charged by laying on a charging pad like you can do to some Ipods and cell phones now so no surgery will be necessary after they have been implanted. Medical technology is a marvel.. just wish it could have been available yesterday so I didn't have to have the next surgery in 5 years from now.
I have two more small procedures to go.... to complete the reconstruction and then it is on to the heart Doctor again to see if my heart has gotten any worse since the last stress test.
I have been perusing my medical history files online at the Cigna site and was surprised to see a file of all the diagnosis my doctors have given for each visit/procedure that has made a claim to cigna. I was looking through it and found that in March 2011 the cardiologist claimed a diagnosis of Morbid Obesity for me... Believe me, I feel fat some days but I am 5'6" and 145 lbs, Far from morbidly obese... So I assume it is a miscoded thingy either messed up by the doctor's office or the insurance data entry person, But either way it answers the question why Cigna /WebMD keeps sending my diet tips and general information about how not to be overweight. I have received information about most of the things the Doctors have diagnosed from cigna as a Well/health thing they do to make their clients aware of how to care for their medical issues.
But I have to admit I have been really puzzled why they kept sending me diet info.....Did they know something I don't ??? LOL
Now I need to get that code off of my record in case something comes up in the future which would change my claims, because of being overweight? Or some other scenario ,, Plus the fact that it is just plain wrong info... I don't think I have ever been able to "see " what a Doctor has claimed as a diagnosis on an insurance claim before with any other provider I have had or at least I wasn't aware I could see that info.
Just goes to show how ignorant we can be about our own information and why we cannot always understand denials or other such determinations with insurance companies.
So I will be allot more vigilant in the future about knowing what is in my records.
And you should be too!
Anyway Overall My attitude today is so much better..... I feel like I have Hope that things will again get back to a manageable state with a little more time.! :-)

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Sunday and Blue

2011-08-14T13:45:00.000-04:00

Well...... It's Sunday and I am miserable....
I have been researching Aromasin the drug they are giving me and it seems that the foremost side effect is these hot flashes.... I wonder how long I have to be off the drug before those get better Because I am seriously considering taking my chances with the other breast developing cancer rather than taking this drug ( if it turns out to be the culprit!)
Surely it is...... I know when I stopped taking estrogen because of the diagnosis ( and that was last year in Dec...) I assumed 6 months ( and it has been 8)surely was enough time since my 1993 complete and total hysterectomy to deal with the lack of estrogen?
If not something else is seriously wrong with my body.
I go on Thursday, back to the Oncologist and I have placed all my hope of a partially normal life on him DOING something to help !!
But Frankly I have my doubts......My regular Doctor said if the Oncologist doesn't do something to help he will send me to an OB GYN specialist . Now what the heck is that docotor suppose to help me with I don't have any female parts and haven't had since 1993...
Not only does the drug cause hot flashes it also cause bone loss, and joint pain... geez the drug is almost worse than the illness...
I mean I am about ready to take my chances with out any drugs....I will only lose a slight % of recurrance prognosis.... But I can be ever vigilant for cancer in the other breast and if it shows have that one removed also.
The one thing I cannot do is go on with these symptoms with absolutely NO HOPE of them getting better.. And they want me to take this drug for 5 years????
If I had a date to survive by, that was alot closer than 5 years, I could handle it.. but NO one ( including my research online) can suggest that they will improve as long as I am taking the drug..
So .. my quality of life is about zero right now...I can't sleep more than an hour at time before the HF hits me and then I am busy for 5 min or so getting cooled off then trying to go back to sleep . You try sleeping in hour intervals at night and see how well rested you are!
Then because I have been sweating and then freezing all night when morning does come I am off to the shower routine If I am not going anywhere which is more and more often.. I am not so bad but if I have to get ready to go anywahere out in public I have to shower and change clothes several time during the day and after I do .....Bam a hot flash hits and I am sweaty all over again... I could live with the sweat and bathing... It is the uncomfortable nature of the hot flash itself that is so bad I feel like I am fire from head to toe and producing sweat at a fast pace and I almost cannot breathe it is useless trying to concentrate on anything else except when the flash will subside and sometimes it is longer than others...
I really would like to make someone understand how dibilitating this is ... Really miserable... but unless you have been there you just cannot imagine how awful it is....I know it sounds like a whiny thing to complain about but I guarantee you It is real and huge and uncomfortable....
Wish me luck at the Doctor , I sure hope he can help... If not it's gonna be a tough decisicion to go against the medical world's prescription to stave off Cancer again... But I just may anyway!

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It’s Monday and

2011-08-08T13:54:00.000-04:00

the start of a new week…..I am reminded each day that passes how lucky I have been and how much pain and suffering goes on in the world around that is sooo much worse than my plight at the moment.
When I am feeling less than happy with my day and life I only have to be reminded of family, friends and strangers misfortunes that I know about to be grateful and minimize what I think is less than perfect for me.
If my issue is enormous to me… ( like the constant hot Flashes are) I only have to think of the 31 brave people who died while in service to our country to feel lucky that I can feel uncomfortable at all.
“It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come.”-Dalai Lama
So with that wisdom in mind I say “ My life is very ordinary most of the time and that’s a good thing, as long as it is ordinary I am mostly without trials and tribulations at the moment, and if I can pass on that positive frame of mind to another then I have succeeded in my share of responsibility in the grand scheme of things”
I have several doctors appointments this week. I go to see how much my vision has blurred since last year and to the dentist for some bridge work and to my Personal Physician for another blood test to see if my “numbers” have improved or gotten worse…. Liver Enzyme stuff.
Next week I go back to the Oncologist I am anxious to hear his report about the cancer gene (BRAC1 & BRAC II tests)
You would think since he has know the results for almost 2 months that they could have alerted me with either the good news or the bad…. instead of leaving the results until the next regularly schedule visit? But that is not the way the medical world works. You are your own activist and you must make happen whatever needs to in a timely manner yourself. To be fair The Doctor saw me and ordered the test and scheduled a follow up when he thought I needed to be seen again Not just to hear the results.
I did call the office , but of course you cannot talk to the actual Doctor you get instead his nurse who relays any pertinent information on to him. I asked for the results only to be told they cannot give that information over the phone.
I didn’t insist on a moved up appointment ( and I really don’t know why as I know if it is negative my mind will be a lot relieved….) instead I just acquiesced and decided to wait out the results.
So that’s where I am at today…
My work computer dies last week and is at the office getting the “image” which makes it unique to my work network and I am waiting to go pick it up so I can load all the “programs “ I need on it to do my job and get back to work again.. I am still uncomfortable incisions still are bothersome a little
Makes it hard to wear clothes that rub or to sleep in positions that I used to to be comfortable but it is gradually getting better.
I hope that the Doctors statement that it would take 6 months to reach full recovery is correct … if so I have just 7 more weeks to go…! And that’s no ordinary thing!!!

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16 weeks have passed

2011-08-02T18:37:00.000-04:00

I have survived the diagnosis, the preparation for surgery, the surgery, and now I am trying to survive the recovery.
At first I was attended to. and the Doctors were sympathetic and I was under constant observation.
Now that 16 weeks have passed I find that the attention has waned, and no one is very sympathetic anymore. Seems most think I should be completely recovered But I am not!
I still have 2 procedures to complete the reconstruction and One unrelated procedure That needs to be done, and I do not feel nor am I back to normal yet.
Not that I need attention but I cannot get the Doctors to return calls when I have questions or need prescription refills. They have not followed through with things they told me I needed and that I would hear from them when it is settled and ready to schedule. Well not yet......and when I call the offices The nurses who is all I can talk to say there is no record of those conversations and they will have to inquire from the Doctor to find out what the hold up is?
They won't give me test results over the phone and the appointments are still a week or so away.
It's depressing how vulnerable a patient is after the medical facilities and physicians have been paid for their services by the insurance companies. or that's the way it seems.
Foremost in their minds while insurance is pending and then gone when the bill is settled.. I know that sounds a bit harsh but from my end of the deal that's the way it feels.
I could scream louder and I know I would get heard but, what happened to old fashioned courtesy?
I am not being neglected because I can still fend for myself and when I am tired of being put off I march ahead and make them deliver. But what of those patients that cannot do that for themselves?
I guess it is human nature and I expect too much from today's world.
Makes me want to shout to all caregivers though!!!
Pay Attention..... your loved one may not be getting the best of care you seek..!

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Heat Wave AGAIN!!

2011-07-31T18:32:00.000-04:00

OK, the heat is too much for a lady that is suffering from hot flashes!!
I hate this weather and actually pray for cloudy days and rain.... And can't wait till the weather turns cool again... This has been awful !
I continue to heal but I am amazed at how much I still have pain in areas that were cut open and moved around or extracted! I can move normally if you are watching me as long as I do not bend over sit down, stand up, twist, reach or anything other that stand still LOL!
Now that I can continue to work from home My mental attitude is not as bad. I have dealt with having cancer and know I am a survivor.. I still have 3 more procedures to get through, Minor ones but Out Patient so I will be out and recover so things are not back to normal yet.
But I am much closer than I was last November when I found the lump....I still am having a real battle living with the side effects of the medicine.. Hot flashes rule my life I am really familiar with the shower and my fans and change clothes often during the day... It's awful and I truly do not know How I can live with this for 5 years if it does not improve . The meds they have offered so far to counteract the cancer drugs have not helped so I may have to try others that I really do not want to take...I hate taking medicine at all. I would rather not live my life on drugs but that seems to be my fate!

I do not yet know what direction my working life will take. The contract ends in December. And they have not told me I must go to Fort Bragg now and work until the end of the contract, but that may yet happen. I just don't know And I a m trying really hard to think about the alternate situations I may encounter and sort of plan for them but Mostly I am living each day one day at a time and will accept whatever fate God has in store for me. I am sure his direction will be a new door As it has always been in the past! So my future is uncertain but something I can look forward to because it has always worked out well in the past, whether I knew before hand and had time to plan or not.

more later

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There are yet Miracles to see

2011-07-21T15:48:00.000-04:00

It's almost time for a hair trim.. and I will take care of that on Saturday!!
But I am healthier looking each day!
Now about the miracle....Not the kind you would expect I suspect But Miracles come in different packages to different people!
I have been living in the "Woods" for 3 years . My Internet connection is dependant on Hughes Net satellite service.
My VPN connection to the army reserve network has been non- existent. I have had much expert help and troubleshooting and spent many hours of my own time trying to make that connection be viable for connecting to work so I could work from home. No luck...over the satellite.
When My illness began I was allowed to work from home so I could continue to earn a living while I am recovering.
I had a USB modem and after the first miracle of AT&T GIVING me a Microcell to boost non existent coverage in my house I was able to make that work. and connected to the workplace.. And all was well for awhile.........
Until I dropped the modem on the kitchen floor tiles while moving my machine around and it died.
Out of warranty and not repairable is what AT&T told me, so I proceeded to buy in succession, 3 different modems from them at full price (between $250-$400) because I did not want to extend the contract which ends in November that I pay $60 a month on. None of which would work even with all the expert help..... so as a lark I decided what the heck... and tried to connect over the satellite.
And OM Gosh!
It connected and worked really well as well as as it does over my Comcast connection at the beach house. I was floored and thankful immediately knowing it was the answer to my prayers after all the disappoinment in the days before trying so hard to make a connection work.
...I do not feel well enough to go back to the office.
I am still in physical discomfort from the incisions I have and sitting in a chair upright is one of the most uncomfortable positions... And the meds side effects make my Day (and Nights) really miserable.. And I do not think I would be as productive in a cubicle as I can be from here at home.
I can be online and available to help for much more hours than I would be if I was to leave each day at 3:30 So It is a blessing to me and my employer. Thank You God for making it possible... Those of you who are not technical will not understand the frustration I was going through thinking I had to go back to the office because I could not outwit a technical defect in my systems here at home( a real no-no to a techie)... and just when I was at the end of my rope God came through as he always does and made my request possible. I will say that we have 4 (2 more than 3 years ago) VPN concentrators and we can use the UDP connection in the Cisco VPN client on my machine and I expect there have been updates to both of the client software and my machine OS to make it now possible to use the satellite connection. But being human I had given up on that idea long months ago and didn't even try it till this week.I had given up (how often do we do that and a miracle is just there waiting for us to notice?)
I still give God the credit...
I have had so many miracles in my lifetime already and I actually count on them sometimes to get me through the difficulties I encounter....
Miracle means:
1 Miraculous
2 an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment
3 an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs
4 from Latin, a wonder, marvel
5 a divinely natural phenomenon experienced humanly as the fulfillment of spiritual intervention

And all of the above apply to my experiences . I don't need a scientific debunker to refute my miracles.
I know that God's hand intervenes in my human events to make things happen the way they do.. sometimes it is just to jog a memory in my mind or to make an opportunity available that wasn't available before but whatever it is, whatever the explanations anyone can come up with.
I know in my heart and mind these are truly miraculous events that allowed me to continue to work from home until I am physically able to with stand the office place again
and to God be the glory it is all his!
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I have been Remiss!

2011-07-17T10:12:00.001-04:00

I really have had nothing at all to report , things have not changed much with how I feel.
I continue to heal but I am still uncomfortable and I know it will get better.
One new thing..... I have an implanted pacemaker for overactive bladder called Interstim Implant. I had it surgically implanted in 2006 and it has helped the condition allot, The downfall is it is run by batteries, as all pacemakers are at this time (rechargeable batteries are in the works but not available right now )
The life expectancy is 5 years.
The bad news is mine is dying and it keeps turning itself off... so After a visit to the Doctor's office and a test of the device it appears I must have it surgically removed and a new battery installed . It is an outpatient procedure But Still........ how much am I going to endure this year??? Wow.. I am so tired of medicine.......... and being so focused on the physical me..... My identity is feeling really neglected.... I want to get back to a normal life.... Whatever that is...!
My connection to work from home is at the moment Broken.... I dropped the modem that took me month to make work, so I could actually connect from home and be productive... and it cannot be repaired, so I bought a new one.... and it will not play well with the other pieces of the puzzle to let me connect to the work network .. I have given ( after extensive trying here on my own) to the guys at work who are trying to make the device as compatible as it needs to be to make the connection work for me...
I sure hope they get it working.. I could go back to the beach house where I have comcast network and can work as if I am in the Office.... but I have so many upcoming Doctor appointments that I would be coming back and forth every few days and My energy level is so low right now I don't think I could do that, or afford the gas.
I have decided to sell my house and probably my Mazda Miata ( keeping my 2004 truck as it is paid for).. as I will not be able to keep either after December when this contract ends.. and if I go to FT Bragg I still could not afford to keep the house and live there too. So whatever I do I have to sell the house.
What a nightmare that is to think about packing up all this stuff and moving... I don't know how in the world I will accomplish this....I need to downsize my belongings AGAIN...
I did when I moved to Tampa in 2006 to work... I had to go so fast and I just gave everything away....
This time I will rent a storage building and get rid of stuff methodically after I know I can;'t use it. give it to someone, or sell it....
I don't mind moving it's the fear I won't be able to sell the house in this market and the actually physical Packing and Moving that just overwhelms me but I will deal with it one day at a time.
I have begged the Doctor to give me something to make the hot flashes better..They have crippled me... I shower about 4-5 times a day and change clothes almost as often, I sleep about 1 -2 hours and am awakened sweating and burning up then I am freezing/ shivering and cannot get warmed up ..so night is mostly sleepless.
I really hate night to come because it is such a nightmare to try to get some rest... It has played havoc with my mental attitude. I have a hard time staying focused in between hot flashes.. The medication the Cancer Doctor has me on for five years is the culprit ( I looked at the side effects Hot flashes is listed ) They can give me several different things most of them antidepressants..
The one they have started with is not an antidepressant and I have had one days worth so far.. And I was so hopeful when I swallowed that first pill that it would help but I know I have to give it a few days.. and I pray it will help.. I just don't think I can continue to live like I am now..and I need to take the cancer drugs. But......
I am so confused about what the future holds for me... The unknown is such a scary thing when you have not chosen to go into the unknown...
I would love to be in a place where I could stay and not have to worry about moving... Where I could put down roots and know that I can get involved and not have to stay detached because nothing is permanent...I wish I could retire so That I am in control where I live and can work at what I want to do and not have to worry about not being able to pay the bills if jobs change but I cannot. I am considering all the different scenarios that may occur and I just get tired thinking about them .
Seems that cancer is not the only thing in my life right now to consider... and I pray that God gives me the wisdom and strength to deal with everything I must and help with my attitude and clears my mind of this fog I live in. I was hoping to be completely recovered by now . but I am not...
I have 2 more procedures for reconstruction to have and the Interstim thing, And I may find about from the Brac1/Brac2 gene test whether it is positive or negative if I must do more to avoid cancer in the other breast.
I am constantly bombarded with Insurance issues and new bills for all the medical attention I have had since January and the diagnosis And I am just drowning in all the paperwork.
I am hopeful that all this will get better and get resolved and by this time next year I will know the path I am to follow and accept what God has in store for me.
Thank you God for good friends and family That have held me up through all of this year and are always there when I need shoring up! Without their support I don't know where I would be right now and I surely pray for those that go through all this and do non not have that kind of support!!
Whew thiswas really long for no Update...
I will try to do better .... and keep you updated.!

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Another HOT HOT HOT day! Summer is here!!

2011-06-24T20:15:00.000-04:00

It’s Summer…… Whew!!!!

There was a cloud or two today and threat of thunderstorms,,,, but not enough to save the grass I DON’T THINK!
These little mushrooms are/were growing in a planter on the front porch I watched the little yellow dots for two days then they appeared overnight as little (perfect Bright yellow) mushrooms… by afternoon they were wilting and losing their color…and have shriveled up a bit… How interesting to watch nature at work.
Things come and go and all have a season and then are gone…
like us…just much faster most times!
I hope I am making the most of my time… I just wish I had more energy so I could make the utmost of each moment that is given me.
But as I age everything takes longer to accomplish and with a lot more effort than I ever used to need… I guess that is inevitable but it is hard to swallow!

Slow Progress Recovering

2011-06-19T15:18:00.003-04:00

My Doctor told me I would be his choice for Poster Child of this type of breast reconstruction surgery!!
Wow If I am his poster child I would hate to see the other patients!!!
I still have allot of discomfort from the mid section where the muscle and tissue was removed.or used for the reconstruction.. I can hardly sit up from a prone position because of the muscle loss But I knew that would affect me somehow. I just have to learn to roll to the side to raise up.
I think I am having funny reactions to the "cancer" meds.. I know the Hot Flashes are worse because of it.and the not being able to sleep and joint discomfort...I have to take it for 5 years so I hope the effects wear off or get better with time... I don't think I can survive for 5 years with the hot flashes.. I have new found respect for AC and Fans.... and make wide use of both!
My life is very simple right now... I try to work when I can connect from home and go to Dr Appointments and I rest and wish I could do things that I cannot...
I have been an Awful Friend and family member during this.... I have not kept in touch with anyone that didn't stand right in front of me.... I just don't have the energy or inclination to go the extra mile and be a good friend and relative.. I feel badly especially about the friends I have not kept in touch with that have been such good friends to me.. I promise I will get better and I will return to being the friend and relative you think I am.
I am just having such a hard time living with the discomfort and the hot flashes and the reactions to the meds
Everything makes me nervous and I have a low threshold for patience, which is not really how I am..
I am hoping when more time has passed and I am more recovered from this that I will once again be the person you all have known.. but I'm not there yet!
Please forgive me and bear with me.. Time will heal me..I PRAY..
I have one more test to hear the results from The BRAC1/BRAC2 gene test.
If I am lucky and am negative it is likely I will dodge any more breast cancer cells
on the other hand if I am positive I will probably have the other breast removed.
I have two more much smaller procedures (But operating room required)to finish up the reconstruction process... I have to admit The surgeons did do a really good job Of "matching" boobs..
Now I wish I had done "enhancements"... but I thought that would make recovery longer .... now I am pretty sure it wouldn't have... and why not end up the last quarter of my life with actual "boobs" since I haven't really had for the first 3/4's of my life..:-)... See My sense of humor tries to return.... little by little day by day I find little pieces of the Old me and am trying very hard to put them all back together to get back to where I was or to a BETTER PLACE
So please don't write me out of your lives yet... I SHALL RETURN(soon I hope)

Fathers Day

2011-06-19T14:41:00.013-04:00

Today is Father's day . I miss you Daddy! My Dad was so smart. He knew how to do everything and if he didn't he knew how to find out how to do it!! Whenever I needed to know about something he was always the first one I asked, He was my endless Resource, My encyclopedia of knowledge.
I wish he was still around for me to visit and spend time with But like he was when he was independent and not hampered by pain and discomfort I don't want him to come back and have to be like he was the last few years he lived!! It made him feel miserable not to be able to do the things he wanted to. Play golf, drive, walk and visit with friends ( and he knew no strangers)and he was filled with endless tales and talent! Somehow I knew he was a gift but I really didn't appreciate him enough while he was alive and I sure didn't tell him enough what I really felt about him.. Why do we not know these thoughts until we can no longer speak them to the people that they would mean something to?
Happy Father's Day Daddy I know now you can be and do whatever you want to, no longer hampered by the earthly body that gave out on you long before you were ready to give up.
I have always loved you and always will.
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Ok now worry is setting in....

2011-06-02T18:08:00.001-04:00

I am not ready for the workplace yet..... I can't sleep at night... It is almost like a prison sentence for night to come and me getting sleepy.... I go to bed and sleep for maybe an hour or two if I am lucky! Then I wake up every hour after that until it is time to get up... Not a restful nights sleep I guess I will take the sleeping pills till they run out and see if I can train my body to sleep uninterrupted for longer period of times.
Partly it is the restless leg syndrome I have and partly the discomfort of the incisions and partly it is hot flushes waking me up and the rest is worry I think!
The Hot flushes are really bad... it has been almost 6 months since I last had Estrogen and I think the cancer meds have made that even worse ( that is one of it's side effects) I cannot find any way to deal with the hot flushes(commonly called flashes) I just keep a cold washcloth handy to apply to neck chest face or wherever it will do the most good...dress in layers because as the flush subsides I freeze to death... I cannot even imagine how I will dress for work so that I can keep from sweating to death or freezing whichever the case seems to be. Guess that will work itself out... I hope soon... No one can predict or even guess when all this will subside. Believe me when I say it makes me miserable...
My neck and back are again hurting enough that I have to take pain pills from time to time.. I have a degenerating spinal cord with bulging discs and I may have to go back for pain shots in my back again.. if it does not let up
I think allot of the distress is caused because of the hunching over I am still doing because of the reconstruction surgery incisions .I am straighter than I was but I still am fairly uncomfortable trying to straighten up completely and staying that way any length of time or sitting straight up in a chair cause my neck and back pain to be excruciating... I suppose all this will get better as I do.. but the progress seems so slow to me...The Doctors say I am doing so well and fast... Whew I am glad they think so cause I have trouble thinking that..
I am having Blood issues... liver enzymes are out of whack and some stuff ( don't ask me to tell you what) is all out of whack.. Maybe from lack of exercise and not eating healthy? So the Dr says.. Well I haven't been exercising at all and not everything into my mouth is healthy! So that may have to change as he tells me if it doesn't get better I am headed for a stroke or heart attack. I think there are probably allot of us in that condition but if you are not having blood work done regularly for some reason you never know what dangers you are in... It seems they test for allot more than they used to all my "OLD" readings are still "good" it's the in depth stuff that looks bad..
I am worrying again ( even though I try so hard not to) about what will happen with my working...my job will end at the end of December 2011. And before then I will be required to move to Fort Brag NC.
I sure do not want to have to sell my house and move., but it is looking like that is going to happen.
I don't mind selling the house It is packing up I hate... I will move my things all to PCB and set it up for my "Home Base" and rent something in Ft Brag if I have to go.. But all that hinges on "SELLING" my house... if that doesn't happen I can't even rent it for enough to pay the mortgage payment
I just have to trust that God has a plan for me and things will fall into place as they need to to accomplish his plan.. but that can be so hard when I am not feeling very well..
I do feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago.. but I figure I am at about 60% of where I need to be and progress is slow I still don't have much strength and can't go through the 8 hour day that would be a workday moving constantly and require rests.... so I am hoping By the middle of July I will be able to go back to the office ( although I really get more work done from home than there)
Just needed to vent about being OK but not back to par yet!
I wake up each morning feeling on top of the world and an hour later I am bushed and worn out! Sure hope that gets better!
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Monday Monday!

2011-05-23T09:50:00.003-04:00

HOT HOT HOT!!!! The weather and my Flashes!!!
Seems to be a continuing theme in my vocabulary!!!
I cannot get connected to Work this morning so I thought I would post an update!
Each day I wake up so sure I am back to normal... Then I open my eyes! and try to get out of bed... and I remember... Oh yeah.... I have a few sore spots on my body!.. But I make it all the way out of bed and slowly get groomed and bathed... and ready for the work day even though it is at home... My connection to work is not always available so I have a free moment right now...Because I cannot get connected!

OK this is the "Woods" just before the new roof when I still had some grass.... Now it is so hot and dry the weeds are all that is left or green..in the yard.....But It is still beautiful to me...

This next picture is Kris hard at work painting the storage building and shows the repairs to the well house She made, which is next on the paint list! She was an amazing wonder woman working up a storm. Lisa and Kris have worked so hard to keep me from overdoing... I never knew My legacy to my family was this OCD cleanliness and work Ethic... Guess I wasn't fooling anyone! :-) But I really appreciate what all they have done and the sacrifices they have made to be there for me during this time that I cannot do for myself! I cannot thank them enough they just co ordinated their schedules and made sure one of them was here to "watch over " me

I started the cancer drug that will kill any thoughts my body might have of producing any estrogen.... I was reading the insert about side effects and remembering what the Dr had said might be a side effect. I have already noticed what I think are a few cropping up but it could just be the power of suggestion also? Now it's hard to tell!

Exemestane(ex e mes' tane)generic for Aromasin

Why is this medication prescribed?

Exemestane (trade name Aromasin) is an oral steroidal aromatase inhibitor used in the adjuvant treatment of hormonally-responsive (also called hormone-receptor-positive, estrogen-responsive) breast cancer in postmenopausal women. An aim in the treatment of hormone-receptor-positive patients in preventing recurrence is to lower estrogen levels that this breast cancer thrives on. Exemestane is in a class of medications called aromatase inhibitors. It works by decreasing the amount of estrogen produced by the body. This can slow or stop the growth of some breast tumors that need estrogen to grow.

What side effects can this medication cause?

Look at #1 Geez!

Exemestane may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

hot flushes
sweating
muscle or joint pain
tiredness
headache
dizziness
nervousness
depression
difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
diarrhea
hair loss
red, itchy skin
changes in vision

Some side effects can be serious. If you experience any of these symptoms, call your doctor immediately:

shortness of breath
chest pain

Your bone mineral density (BMD; a measure of the strength of the bones) may decrease while you are taking exemestane. This may increase the chance that you will develop osteoporosis (condition in which the bones are fragile and break easily). Talk to your doctor about the risks of taking exemestane.
Exemestane may cause other side effects. Call your doctor if you have any unusual problems while taking this medication

The Dr actually told me about what is not a documneted side effect but a majority of his experience with patients prove it is a real side effect! Joint pain seems to go along with taking the drug...
I now have developed ( after 2 pills ... which is why I say it may be my imagination) a peculiar pain in my left shin bone and my right wrist feels like it has been broken and it is trying to heal.... I guess I might be feeling a few of the others but I'm not sure, I am not just anticipating the worst!...If my hair falls out I guess that will take care of trying to figure out a good hairstyle!
And HOT FLASHES!!! really I already have those does that mean they will get worse? or will it make them go away ... now that would be a nice side effect!
Oh well I can only hope!! :-)

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About Hot FLASHES

2011-05-22T10:25:00.000-04:00

Imagine a sudden wave of intense heat rushing through your body. Within seconds of its arrival, this strange feeling that you're experiencing causes you to sweat, and you'd swear that your skin is on fire. As foolish as it sounds, you feel like stripping off the clothing that you're wearing and finding the coolest place you possibly can -- even if it's the middle of winter. Within minutes, or even hours in some cases, the feeling passes, and this odd sensation disappears just as quickly as it arrived. If you’ve ever experienced a similar scenario, chances are that you’re not crazy, and you’re probably not dying either. You’re simply dealing with a condition known as hot flashes.
Hot flashes can make your body feel like it has somehow become a raging furnace. The heat you experience during a hot flash is often overwhelming; it really does feel as if it's taking over your body. Clothes can suddenly feel too heavy to wear. The bed covers feel as if they're suffocating you, and you’re often drenched in sweat. Hot flashes are often associated with chills -- the chills are typically the result of sweat drying on the surface of the skin.
For some, hot flashes are random, but for others, they occur on a regular basis. Either way, hot flashes can be as short as two minutes or as long as thirty minutes, with a frequency that may increase over time.
Some people claim that they are able to determine when they’re moments away from having a hot flash. They experience what is called an aura, or a feeling of premonition, just prior to the onset of the flash. This early warning system gives these fortunate few a brief time to prepare for the uncomfortable feeling that's soon to take over their body.
Hot flashes are a condition that a vast number of people worldwide deal with -- an estimated 50 million women in the United States alone. But what group does it affect the most, anyway? What can be done to minimize, or even prevent, hot flashes? And perhaps most importantly, what causes hot flashes? Read the next page to find out.

Hormones, Menopause and Hot Flashes

Contrary to the beliefs of some, hot flashes are not caused by fevers, illness or even burning desire. In fact, the real culprit is sex hormones. Estrogen levels in women and testosterone levels in men can fluctuate. If these hormones are suppressed, such as during treatment for certain types of cancer or if the ovaries are removed, this can cause blood vessels to dilate. The dilated blood vessels allow more blood to rush through the body. This sudden increase in blood flow brings with it more heat -- typically to the body's upper half. This may all sound a bit alarming, but really hot flashes aren't dangerous at all, and the only problem is the discomfort associated with them. In fact, 85 percent of all women will experience them at some point.

ven though there is no danger involved in a typical hot flash, if you're experiencing them, it's always a good idea to check in with your doctor. This is particularly good advice if you're too young for menopause. The reasoning behind this is simple: Other causes of hot flashes can include hyperthyroidism and some types of cancer. It's always wise to be sure.
Women's hormone levels can fluctuate greatly during a typical lifetime. Hot flashes during pregnancy, perimenopause and menopause are common occurrences. In fact, hot flashes are the most common symptom of menopause. Hot flashes can also be triggered or amplified by environmental factors. Similar to migraine pain, outside factors such as alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, spicy foods, exercise, fat and chocolate can all trigger a hot flash. Climate -- such as a hot room, medication, sleep deprivation and stress -- can also be to blame. If you're experiencing hot flashes, it makes sense to keep a diary to track some of these environmental conditions that may be triggering them.
Do you think women are the only ones fanning themselves due to hot flashes? Well, think again. Men can experience hot flashes, too. Obviously, menopause is not the reason. Men deal with hot flashes when they experience a drop in testosterone. This can be caused by aging, but is most often due to a surgical removal of the testes or due to medication that impacts testosterone production. If a man is experiencing hot flashes, he should definitely consult a doctor. Testosterone deficiency is often the reason, and a simple blood test can verify this.
A condition that is often associated with hot flashes is called night sweats. Night sweats are really just hot flashes that occur during sleeping hours. While turning down the temperature in your bedroom at night can be helpful, this won't eliminate night sweats. Some resort to wearing moisture wicking undergarments, clothes or pajamas to feel more comfortable. Dressing in layers is another approach. This allows the person with night sweats to remove outer clothing layers when the heat gets too intense.

Men can experience hot flashes when testosterone levels fall.

Now that you know what causes hot flashes, read the next page to find out if there's anything you can do to treat them.

Treating Hot Flashes

A woman holds her hormone replacement therapy (HRT) patches.

The first line of defense against hot flashes is finding a way to control the triggers. This isn't an impossible task, but it may be difficult for some to accept because it almost always requires some form of lifestyle change. For example, if you really enjoy eating spicy Mexican food but determine that it triggers your hot flashes, clearly it's in your best interest to stay away from it. If you realize you're having hot flashes after enjoying that afternoon cigarette, you should probably quit smoking. This simple lesson can be applied to all hot flash triggers: If you determine that a certain environmental factor is triggering your hot flashes, avoid it.
There are several known methods for managing the symptoms of hot flashes. You could ask your doctor for a prescription for an antidepressant, like Prozac, or an epilepsy medication, like gabapentin, or you could do something as simple as making sure that you get regular exercise, which can help reduce the symptoms of hot flashes. Making flaxseed a part of your daily diet has been an effective herbal remedy for reducing hot flashes in some people.
For years, hormone replacement therapy (HRT) was the premiere treatment for hot flashes until concerns were raised about its link to breast cancer and stroke. You may be surprised to learn that hormone replacement therapy is still available as an option; however, when HRT is selected as a treatment, it's now understood that it's best to use the lowest dose possible for the shortest period of time. Even lower risks are associated with this method of treatment when HRT is delivered in patch form versus taking the treatment orally.
If you're dealing with the discomfort of hot flashes, the good news is that there's always new research underway. In fact, a recent study shows that an injection of a local anesthetic into the nerves of the neck that regulate body temperature can greatly reduce hot flashes, although this treatment has only been used for cancer patients to date [source: healthfinder.gov].
With so many people worldwide dealing with this terribly uncomfortable condition, it's good to know that doctors and researchers are still actively pursuing a cure for hot flashes. Follow the links on the next page to read more about hot flashes and hot flash related topics.

Lots More Information

So Linda...........How's it going? I know you're feeling a lot better......What's this like?

2011-05-22T09:45:00.002-04:00

A very Dear friend has asked me..What's this like?
Not good...not fun... and extremely painful....I probably could have dealt with it better when I was Younger? but There is no good and convenient time to stop living your life and be completely ruled by the medical field fighting Cancer...My emotions are a roller coaster -up one minute down the next... Acceptance and then disbelief and HOT flashes OMG that is probably worse than anything else!!! I have taken estrogen since my hysterectomy in 1993 I have tried (longest time was 6 mos) several times to get off of estrogen but "The hot flashes", mood swings and not being able to sleep at night always made me go back to taking it, Thinking the risk of cancer was minimal even though the Dr's tell you it is a big risk! Guess what They were right! My tumor was "estrogen" receptor positive( or some such description , not the exact medical term for it) in other words the estrogen feeds the cancer.... It all could have been worse though and I am grateful it was caught at stage 2 and now I don't have to take chemo or radiation... unless it appears again. I have one more test to get results on ( the gene test) if I am positive the cancer Dr will suggest a Prophylactic Mastectomy of the left breast because the odds will be very high it will go there next.. And frankly that is the one I have had lumps removed and drained from the most.. So it would not surprise me if they find cancer there too In fact I was surprised it developed in the right breast . I wish now I had just had both done at the same time...AND gotten it all over with.,
I cannot have the same type of reconstruction done again that was a onetime deal taking the tissue fat and muscle to build a new breast "lump" from my belly... If I choose to do a TRAM reconstruction again it will have to come from my back! Not sure I will want to do that either..
I always "THOUGHT" when I was younger that I would be OK with No breast at all especially at this stage of my life... But Vanity and self confidence won out on my decision making... And I will do whatever it takes to have two lumps on my chest no matter how ugly or small they are.... I was amazed at myself for feeling and reacting like this to disfigurement. It was not the reaction I have always predicted I would have.
So once again I am reminded that until you walk in "those shoes... "you cannot know what you will do or not do!
I am cancer free they say at this point so I am a survivor.... But I don't feel really comfortable with that diagnosis and probably won't until the 5 year mark floats by in the future.. But maybe it will be easier to feel less threatened as time goes by and I am not in pain any longer... Maybe then I can put it out of my mind from time to time.
I am still not up to par... A bit weak( 50% out of 100%) still only able to Stay up ( so to speak) for short periods of time until I am exhausted and worn out, but it does improve and lengthen each day!
I am still in pain. I can't sleep at night because I can't get in any position on a bed that is really comfortable ( probably I should sleep in the recliner. I am most comfortable there but I stubbornly go to bed each night because I want to be there instead of in a chair) That is just me not the cancer battle making me that way!
I think of my body in a whole different way than I ever did before... I have never liked my self image even when I probably looked pretty good to the world... I see things a whole lot differently now.... When something is amputated.. And that may not be the technical term for losing a breast but that is exactly what it seems and feels like to me....You like what is yours allot better . Each part however imperfect is allot more precious and you are OK with Body Image. Funny that it takes losing something to appreciate it...
I am OK... that is today's update.. I am slowly returning to the real world.. But I'm not there yet....
I am so thankful that work is allowing me to deal with this medical leave the way they are. I could not take worrying over finances and recovery at the same time! I am blessed...
And I have a wonderful family and circle of friends supporting me.. I could NOT do this alone!

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Good News and Fridays

2011-05-20T09:01:00.002-04:00

First the good news! NO Chemo or radiation!Just pills for 5 years!
Went to the Cancer Doctor yesterday My niece went with me again to be my ears. She is a Nurse and a Practicing Vet so she understands medical speak and takes notes and interprets for me!
There is one test that has not come back yet and may indicate a removal of the other breast would be a wise choice at this time but I have to wait for those results to get delivered before I would know.
My stamina and pain level is improving every day and I predict in about 3-4 more weeks I will be recovered enough to go back to work ( although I have to admit I have enjoyed working from home!)
Yesterday after Kris and I got back from the Doctor visit. They had STILL NOT removed the dumpster from my driveway from Tuesday's installation of the new roof... I really wanted to put all the debris ( old wood etc) that need to go to the dump in it as it was already paid for and like having the dump come to you.... but knew I could not do it...
Kris decided she would And cleaned up the entire yard of Dump Ready Debris... She raked leaves and we burned and She measured, sawed and nailed the replacement pieces of wood on the Wishing well . She worked for 3 straight hours full blast moving junk to the dumpster made me tired watching...We napped in the afternoon to recoup!!(LOL) and waited on Lisa And Jacob to arrive.
Last evening Lisa And Jacob brought "Addie" and "Max" for Kris to put ID chips in them . And then Lisa and Jacob helped with the "re building of the wishing well( it was rotting) and pressure washing" tasks to ready the storage building and Wishing Well for a coat of paint! It looks so much better ( AND they still have not picked up the Dumpster although I can't really complain it was convenient that it was here and Kris was willing to fill it up I assume they will get it today!
They also moved the hot tub for me from the garage to the back patio where I wanted it moved to ever since I bought it and put it in the garage... It wasn't easy but the three of them managed.. it.
I was so tired from watching all the activity that I was anxious to go to bed... That is night "2" without sleeping pills and I slept just the same(waking up about 5 times a night is the normeven with the pills but I don't have the drug hangover the next morning) I still took pain pills to sleep because I am still so uncomfortable trying to arrange myself in the bed but I am getting closer and closer to the "Old" self I was before the Diagnosis...It is Good!
And Thank God for Families!
Kris is painting as I type...!!!:-)
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A New Roof.....

2011-05-17T11:26:00.000-04:00

Today I am getting a new roof put on the house.. Any other time (like a few months from now) would probably be more convenient, but life is not always convenient! so TAP_TAP_TAP and old roof tiles flying everywhere is happening as I type....Next comes the Dumpster which they will leave till tomorrow and I am sure praying they will not block the garage door or my truck...Wonder if I can throw my garbage in there...? :-)
I spent a really bad weekend feeling bad after I hurt my back.. IT made everything worse.... I am so darned weak... And these darn hot flashes weaken me even more.. I have one (and I have many during the day) and I am drenched and cannot get cooled off and then I freeze and cannot get warm..... I have a feeling because they seem to me they have to be a metabolism issue... that they might be burning up calories . I seem to eat exactly what I want and do not gain any pounds.. How can that be when I am doing absolutely Nothing physical.. sitting in a chari or lying on the couch all day... So maybe that is the trade off... I just know I wish there was something I could take that would make them stop It makes feeling beautiful and feminine or choosing clothes to wear so very difficult.... What a bummer..
anyway I felt bad all weekend and did NOTHING but lay around feeling sorry for myself.. I had plans to try driving and go shopping for supplies But that didn't happen....I seem to have this fear that I will start out and get to feeling so bad I can't back home.. I know that is not true but that is my fear! Tomorrow I will have to try to drive as I have to go to the Dr. for him to recheck my "rash" I am not convinced that is what I had but it does seem to be getting better so Maybe I should just trust the Dr's opinion...
I am not in as much pain today .. but that might be because I haven't done anything for 3 days...
Tomorrow Is the Plastic Surgeon recheck and Thursday Kris will be here to go with me to the Oncologist to find out what the tests have revealed and what treatment he will reccomend.
Thursday Night Lisa and Jacob are bring 2 of their dogs down for Kris to put "Chips" in them and then driving right back to Calhoun..
It will be a whirlwind day!! and then Friday Kris will go back home and I will have a quiet weekend again...
Recovery is taking place it is just so much slower than I would like!!

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When it rains ...it pours... but it is not all water........

2011-05-14T08:56:00.001-04:00

Wow I was feeling so good when I woke up this morning!...And I had permission to finally take a bath.....
So today was the day!!!
I did all the "before" stuff ...Brush teeth, took meds etc...
I drew a nice hot bath tub full of steaming water in my big garden tub, added a little Lysol mixed in to kill any germs ( that is another whole story) added oil.. Tied my hair up and slipped in..... AHHHH heaven....!! So relaxing!
Then I decided the soles of my feet needed scrapping and I brought my foot up where I could see and work on it and "PING" something snapped in my back......
OMG I thought it would make me pass out and I would die from drowning in the first bath I have had since before surgery!!!
Finally it calmed down and I got out and I THANK GOD for pain pills...
I have no clue what or how I did that... I guess my muscles are weak all over I have been so confined since surgery I guess they are atrophied and I cannot bend and be flexible without consequences.... Anyway my back has actually been bothering me for a few days (on the other side though) this is on the side of the mastectomy but in back....
It was just a little uncomfortable and I thought it was because I cannot lay on my side yet ( which is how I sleep best) and it would get better as I could sleep (I use this term very loosely as sleep is not very good yet) in a better position ..and because I move so gingerly trying not to make the painful places hurt worse by moving wrong.
Now besides the pain of the surgery sites... I have muscle pain in my back so I think today instead of all the plans (I had developed yesterday)... will be put aside and I will watch Netflix movies and be still
I do feel better having soaked the stitches and sites.... And adding the oil to my skin feels much better.... and the Lysol makes me feel good about not having germs all over my skin....But I guess It will be a day of rest early for me.. to see if it works itself out...
What luck...
One more exciting hurdle to overcome ....Sometimes I wish my energy level ( in my brain) actually matched what my body is able to reproduce in reality....Life would be so much better? If I would just recognize that there are a few limitations on what I can actually do right now.... Live and learn they say.... I guess We do.... Just hope I don't have to pass a test to get well!

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Friday the 13th

2011-05-13T13:52:00.000-04:00

Friday..... and a 13th.... supposed to be mystical and wrought with bad luck!!!!
So far so good!
I have been working consistently more each day ! I seem to work much longer hours since I am working from home.. It is hard to say Quitting time.... So actually I am earning my dollars legitimately.. Which younger people might find disconcerting..... But to my way of thinking,,, It makes me feel proud that I can still produce even under these circumstances...When I can no longer be of worth to the company that pays me what's the use of having the job? I don't want money handed to me.... I want to be an asset and earn it.
Of course if it was Retirement .. now that I could handle... but since that is not ever going to happen because of my circumstances.... I am content to be an Asset..!

I am feeling better each day.. I am not really sure where I am feeling better...because there is still allot of pain... but I can tell my stamina is building and I am hoping the healing is going well I guess I might be at 40% of the 100% I expect to be in a few months!!
I was concerned Wednesday when I had to go for a check with the Plastic Surgeon, there was a large area on my chest that was swelled and discolored and hurt allot... I was not sure what had happened.. But I didn't really think it was "normal" And I was right
The Dr.... looked at it and said "HMmmmmmmm"
and then pronounced he thought it was a rash of some kind
Have no clue to what or why it only affected that area.... But He gave me steroid cream to put on it twice a day.... and it is helping slightly. The swelling is going down and the discoloration is a little better. I have to go back next Wednesday for him to see if it worse or better.
I have never felt so close to the Medical World as I have been for the last 6 months... My life hangs in the balance in their hands , knowledge, competence and opinions.... It is hard to allow complete control over your life to a team !!
I have a routine of sorts since coming home from the hospital( which I do not remember hardly at all)
It feels like I walked into that hospital and the next thing I knew it was a week later and I was at home Listening to the stories My family was telling me of the entertainment I provided them while I was in my drug induced,,, Coma like state! OMG.. it's a good thing I don't have too many secrets and that my girls either didn't believe what I told them or accepted who I am! :-)!!! Either way I am lucky they are all still talking to me... So maybe even drugged I knew to save the Good Stuff!
My routine is to wake and try to get out of the bed with too much discomfort , Go brush my teeth. which can take 10-15 minutes for the whole routine.....
Take a shower and wash my hair... then the cool down period where I have to sit or lay down and recoup some strength... Then dress ( that is usually fast as I am not wearing allot these days)
And then dry my hair... Don't bother with styling or make up unless I have to go to Dr appointment..
Then it is time to rest up
I come downstairs and log into to work and go through my email and work whatever I can....
I have a recliner in my office where the computers are set up and I can work from that chair... and lay back if I get too tired... I have TV to listen to if I am not busy( but believe me there is nothing on worth watching) I get my hot tea, eat snacks take pit breaks but it is almost non physical.... Till after lunch... then I make lunch and go back and stay tuned into work or do what I can ( right now I can't do much as the Blackberry Servers and our Network ( Army Reserve) are not..... in Sync ( and that is nice way to put it)... But I do what I can from here Not being clued in at all by my counterpart at the site( who has a cultural background that negates my existence) But actually even at work My position would not be much more useful... Because of the present BB "ADMINSTRATOR" and I do use that term loosely!
I wander away from my tale ( as I often do then lose my way).... I was telling how I feel
But all this adds up to my total day.. I still have not driven except for one emergency run to the garage to take and pick up my truck that was scheduled for maintenance
I could drive the automatic truck and maybe even the 6 speed mazda if I was not taking pain pills... But I cannot react or move fast because of the surgery and the pain pills rob me of alertness !
so It all makes me a menace on the road and we have enough of those already...
I do have moments where I feel like a real prisoner in my own home... but the I think about if I did go somewhere How I would feel ten minutes after I left... and I am content to just stay here till I have to go somewhere...
I am not depressed as some think I must be.. It was depressing orginally but I have adjusted and accepted and I am dealing with my life normally now( disclaimer is: I am never normal even at my best!)
I can see that eventually I will feel better and get to more normal activities... but it is more weeks away than I care to think about..
I still have next weeks visit to the cancer Dr to find out if I must do chemotherapy or not...
The plastic surgeon let slip, during our chat that he thought I might need some chemo..... S I will be disappointed if I must do that... But Whatever will be .. will be.. and I will take it in and adjust to it.

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Another Monday in the life of.......

2011-05-09T12:28:00.001-04:00

Mother's day was wonderful!
I missed my own Mom....but I heard from all my children and Lisa was here to replace the ceiling fan in the living room for me and help with getting errands done...
One major side effect of having this cancer is with no ERT ( estrogen replacement therapy) I am suffering Hot flashes... They are devastating me... I can't dress in enough layers to peel off or put on when the hot flash is gone and I start to freeze... It is happening about 24 times in 24 hours... I can't sleep because of them and My hair looks like I am drowned almost all of the time... I fix it then I have a hot flash and it all goes limp
The pain is still present and I am still taking pain pills.. But they don't help Hot flashes..at all....
I really wonder how long the HF can go on? Will my Body ever re adjust to no estrogen? And how will my body react when they start the next stage of cancer prevention the pill that Blocks ALL body estrogen production that I must take for 5 years or longer? One of the disclaimers of that pill besides causing bone density loss is HOT FLASHES!!!
I go back to the Plastic Surgeon this week and the oncologist next week..
The plastic surgeon took a complete set of "Before" pictures and will take a complete set of "after" pictures for their files ( advertisements?) I am amazed at the reconstruction But It is far from ready for the "AFTER" shots... It still is pretty gruesome looking. But I have hope that it will look better some day.. My "Tummy Tuck" incision is 17 inches across ( so half my body)that's where they got the muscle and tissue for the Reconstruction. And under my arm and the breast area hurts all the time.. Can't use my arm for much I sure can't reach up with it ... well I can ... but I cry afterwards...
I am trying to keep up on all my business issues .... roof replacement, car and truck maintenance Insurance manipulation.. Appointments. It is taxing to try to keep up with all the administrative work I have had to try to do.. It was good the girls were here to help the first few weeks I could not have done it without them...
I feel a little better each day.. but I am still fairly weak... My stamina is way down and I am slightly anemic so NO dancing around for me yet.. But Someday.. I am trying hard to be patient.. it is just such a slow recovery.....and I am such a bad patient!
I have so many other things wrong with me that have come to light or happened because of the cancer I feel Like I am on my last legs....
It is hard to keep from being depressed but I am keeping my chin just above water.... and hoping the flood subsides soon.. and I can get on with my life! As a Survivor instead of a victim!

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Tact is getting your point across without stabbing someone with it!

2011-05-06T08:59:00.003-04:00

Today is a new day......AND I feel a little better although now my neck and back are really uncomfortable without the braces( from stooping over so much I think)... So I may have to go back to at least some kind of back brace. I didn't wear any all day yesterday and I pulled all the steri-strips off of the belly incision(which I measured and it is 17 inches across) the stitches are the dissolving kind so I just need to let them go away as they will
I just measured and My hips are 37" my waist is 31"so that incision is HALF of me....No wonder it has been soooo painful... The breast steri-strips have not loosened yet and I am not about to pull them off. The tissue got really swollen and very painful and I was afraid I was going to the doctor to have to have it drained but it is going down now some so emergency averted I think...
I made some kind of major headway yesterday I don't know what happened... Maybe just trying to stretch and stand up straight or not wearing the braces....I only took two pain pills yesterday during the day and none last night although I did take ambien to sleep I just don't seem to sleep without it... and My attitude got better... I don't know why... I think.... A friend's words made me a little angry and then I examined the thought behind the words and decided maybe the words were right... I am depending on others and drugs to make me better and I have to depend only on me...I don't know what took place..... I just know my attitude got much better. I haven't made any major physical strides but my mind may be waking up and telling my body to "get off it's butt and get busy recovering...."
Thanks Friend.... I guess I really needed that!
anyway I still hurt, but I can feel that the depression I have been sinking into because of the pain an discomfort that have held me prisoner , is beginning to lift and I will again someday be the real me again..Some may think that is not such a good thing and others may like the idea... but for now I am just glad to be able to FINALLY See a light at the end of the tunnel.. I admit there are a few more sharp objects blocking the view and It is a very long way away... But just that little glimmer I can see is enough... for me to hang on to... And I will..

May today there be peace within

2011-05-05T08:34:00.000-04:00

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are
exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the
infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and
others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass
on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with
yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into
your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance,
praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

God I hope I can find Peace within.....
What a roller coaster of emotions I have been on since last November!
When the tumor was found....
Each day is a new challenge just to adjust to and live through...
Yesterday The Dr's Office ( Primary Care Physician) Called back after getting the results from the previous days blood tests.. and Now They say I have

Elevated Liver Enzymes
Don’t know what this means… but the Dr wants me to come back and discuss it.. Must not be really important as they couldn’t schedule a consult until the 26^th….When it rains it pours!
Info On elevated Enzymes and what it COULD BE:
Hearing that one has elevated liver enzymes may be scary. However, the term actually could refer to any one of a number of conditions, and does not necessarily indicate any specific disease. Symptoms may be present, but it is also possible to have elevated liver enzymes with an underlying liver disease, yet have no noticeable symptoms. If you have been diagnosed with elevated liver enzymes, your doctor may recommend that you have further testing.

More information about elevated liver enzyme symptoms is available.

Elevated liver enzymes are also often called elevated transaminases. At times the more simple term transaminitis is also used. The particular enzymes which are commonly elevated are alanine transaminase (ALT) and aspartate transaminase (AST). In most cases of liver disease, ALT levels will rise above that of AST, however, in the case of greater AST levels alcoholic liver disease is a potential underlying condition.

You can read more here about the liver function tests themselves.

Although elevated liver enzymes are quite often present in liver injury, they are also noticed in other conditions. Therefore, a diagnosis of elevated liver enzymes in itself does not even confirm any sort of liver damage in the patient. In agreement with this point, previously, liver enzyme levels were actually used as part of the process of diagnosing a heart attack. Recently, however, enzymes more specific to heart damage have been preferred.
Some common causes of elevated liver enzymes are:

Alcohol consumption

Autoimmune hepatitis, primary sclerosing cholangitis, primary bilary cirrhosis, or other autoimmune disorders of the liver or bile ducts

Diabetes

High triglycerides, or obesity

Excessive use of kava kava, comfrey, pennyroyal, skullcap, or certain other herbal supplements

Gallstones

Hemochromatosis, Wilson's disease, or other metabolic liver diseases

Viral hepatitis, mononucleosis, or other infections

Liver cancer

Medications such as some nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), cholesterol medications, anti-biotics or anti-seizure medicines.

Tumors of the liver, the pancreas or bile ducts

You can continue reading a larger list of elevated liver enzymes causes.

You should talk with your doctor directly regarding treatment options for elevated liver enzymes, as the underlying condition will change which treatments are better or worse for your case.

Additional information on liver disease is also available.

I need some peace in my life!!

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No Regrets

2011-05-04T11:10:00.000-04:00

Winning does not always mean coming in first...real victory is in arriving at the finish line with no regrets because you know you've gone all out.

—Apolo Anton Ohno,
Olympic champion speed skater

Wow that is a mouthful!
Went to my Primary Care Physician Yesterday.. He told my I have mild heart disease and must do exercise, diet and pills to control it. for now... no surgery needed at this point.
He gave me all the results from my 3 month Blood tests ( Been doing those since my thyroid was removed in 2005)
And it all made perfect sense while I was in his office..and now I can't even remember what he said... But he wrote a list of supplements I need to be taking... One is Vitamin D sounds like a prescription for Florida Sun to me? ...
But can't stay away from the Medical field that knows me so well right now , can't drive and sure can't Carry an overnight bag.. so it is Georgia for me for awhile...
If I only have to take the pills for the cancer for 5 years ... It is going to cause bone loss .. So it is like Every gift comes in a locked box and in order to benefit.. you must break in( give up something else)
Growing old SUX!....
They did say My chest X-Ray is clear so the fluid in my lungs while in the hospital has cleared up in the 3 weeks since.
It feels like I have been a captive here forever.... But each day just melts into the rest the time just seems to fly and I cannot do much... I am still on pain pills the reconstruction is so very painful I would love to straighten all the way up... but I would be screaming if I did.... I cannot even see a light at the end of the tunnel when I will be able to "Stand Tall" again.. Although I know it will happen...eventually... I suppose it is sneaking up on me.
Right now I took all the Body Bandages ( large Ace Bandages) off and then I remembered that being in this position for such a long time has made my back hurt too and the braces make that better... Go figure... It is two steps forward and one step back... but the progress is steady just not fast enough to keep me from going nuts!
This is day 3 of being alone... The house is so quiet.... I miss the company of the girls..... They are really fun people to know..... even if they are my own family and I am prejudiced!!!

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Beautiful Sunday!

2011-05-01T09:44:00.001-04:00

Today Lisa will go back home so she can work next week... Kris left yesterday and Barbara left Friday night... Monday Morning I will be waking up to an empty house and have to re adjust to empty nest syndrome all over again... I have not always been alert and joined in the conversations the last 6 weeks but I have enjoyed being waited on....:-) and having the girls here to take care of me... I would surely have overdone everything trying to care for myself if they had not been here to take care of all my obsessions... and they have done a terrific job doing forcing me to stay put and let them do it!.. But I have just enjoyed really quality time with all of them. I haven't had this much since they were all young and unmarried....
What a gift God has given me, to be in their care..
I went to the Oncologist on Friday and to be honest ( as usual) I understood what he was saying while he was saying it but when I walked through the door it was mostly lost info somewhere irretrievable in my brain... So Kris went along she is a registered nurse but more important she is a Vet ( DVM) so she actually knew what the Doctors have been saying and asked questions and took notes. She wrote this report to a Friend of hers so I will include it here it tells what the Oncologist Which we all liked really well he seems to be extremely good in his field.
My aunt is healing really well. We just got back from her new oncologist and we are waiting on the Oncotype test results to see if she'll need anything more than the Estrogen-antagonists for 5 years. Her cancer was big, greater than 2 cm but all 3 sentinel nodes were clear. It was the lobular type which means that it is more likely to also develop in her other breast so she will have to be watched closely. They drew blood for her BRAC1 & BRAC 2 gene test. If she is positive for the gene then she will likely have a left mastectomy as well. If she has the gene it would make her more likely to have ovarian cancer but she has already had a hysterectomy so that risk is gone.
I am having the BRAC tests too and if positive will have a hysterectomy. If my aunt is positive then her daughters will be tested and may have complete hysterectomies if positive, as ovarian cancer risk is more than 7 times the normal and there is no screening test for ovarian cancer.
Right now my aunt's chances of a cancer recurrence is 25% if she doesn't do anything else at all. If she takes the automatise inhibitors then that risk goes to 12.5%. The oncotype test on her actual tumor will be back in two weeks and that will tell us the expected behavior of her individual type tumor and whether the chances of hidden disease are greater than expected and would benefit from chemotherapy as well as the AI (Automatise inhibitors which block the estrogen production which occurs in the adrenal glands). The old drug Tamoxifen blocked the estrogen at the cellular level which is not as good as blocking its production all together which the new drugs do. My aunt's tumor had lots of estrogen receptors which breast tissue does and this is good because that means the tumor is well-differentiated which is a better prognosis because any remaining cancer cells will not survive well with the estrogen production stopped. The side effects of the AI drugs are hot flashes (even in post-menopausal women because our adrenals make estrogen too, but this is uncommon), occasional stomach upset and increase chances of osteoporosis which is why you have bone scans to monitor. If it shows bone loss then you take a drug like Sally Field's Boniva etc. The osteoporosis is more of a risk with the better working AI drugs than with the old Tamoxifen because Tamoxifen looked enough like estrogen that it fooled the bones so bone density actually increased. Anyway that's about all we know now.
She did a really good job of recording the information.. So now I can go back and re read it after everyone is gone and I have no one to ask what he said...
I feel a little better each day but yesterday and Friday the "new breast" started swelling up and being very uncomfortable so I guess I will have to call the Doctor tomorrow and ask if it is normal to do that... Thank God for Pain drugs!
Kris( my niece) is flying back in to go to the next Oncologist visit after he has the labs back and he will pronounce his plan of attack... I do not want chemo or radiation. or the breast removed God Forbid..... Although I have to now worry that cancer will grow in that breast so time will tell that tale!
Lisa is coming back to to take me back to The Plastic Surgeon? Or the breast Surgeon I can't remember which... And in the midst of all this I need to get a move on getting the new roof installed to replace the hail damaged one... I have put that off long enough.. Just didn't want to deal with it but now I need to while I still have a good contractor that has agreed to the deal.
Unfortunately Life does go on even in the midst of all this upsetting stuff going on around me or to me.....I am trying hard to cope.. but some days it's harder than others...... I don't have allot of energy.. or strength...But it improves minutely each day ( I think! LOL)

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life at 65 is not as bad as I thought it might be when I was 25!!

2011-04-27T09:01:00.001-04:00

I cannot believe I am soooo old....... I don't feel old... What happened to all those years in between?
I am feeling better everyday just a little but making progress.... Much quicker than I thought I would be two weeks ago...:-)! And the Dr's seem to think I am ahead of schedule!
I am still not a responsible adult unless I am sitting down in a chair not trying to maneuver around , drive or make sense when I talk....LOL
Going to get my hair fixed today that should make me feel better... And I put on some makeup and jewelery... Amazing what small adornments like that can make you feel soo much better .. If you feel like you look sick and don't care.... you are sick looing...to others... If you try to make yourself look more well than you really feel.... People look at you and wonder why you are off work...:-)! Course I may not look sick but I still can't stand up straight! And I am still dependent on pain pills to get through the day and sleeping pills at night.. Night time is the worst... I cannot lay on my sides or stomach actuallu I cannot move except to get up and go to the bathroom.. and that is not an easy chore.. So If I am not knocked out.... Sleep time is pretty gruesome...!
More later after the beauty shop and hair trim.. I'll put in an after shot... I sure hope it will look better!:-)

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The United States celebrates Mother's Day on the second Sunday in May. In 2011, the date for Mother's Day is Sunday, May 8.

2011-04-26T08:33:00.004-04:00

Let your heart swell with love and compassion. It is the surest way to a healthy heart.

My heart has swelled with love and compassion.... these last few months..My friends and more importantly my family has rallied around me..
I have been able to spend some amazing time with My niece Kris and my daughter Lisa... and the rest, Barbara and Sandy and others.....
It is so hard when we are all on such different tracks to spend time with any of them by just chilling out and talking on a visit.... usually things are always in a hurry and everyone has a real life to get back to... This has been such a vacation from normal life... Having them here to take care of me.. I haven't seen this much of my family at one time since they were all small before they left home to marry and be Mom's themselves..It has been a real blessing to share time with them.. I am so grateful because I could not have survived this surgery so well without the help and support and love they have provided me. And to be truthful I have been feeling disconnected from most of my family They all work so hard and are always going in different directions...that I seldom get to spend any tine with them
Kris drove me to the Doctor's office to get the sutures out I was prepared for it to be painful....I had two pain pills and a Valium(anti anxiety) to keep me calm ...

this is where they got the muscle and tissue from to make the new breast,) I got a tummy tuck in the deal...)

belly and belly button stitches all very painful and why I can't straighten up yet! Completely severed from hip to hip....

this is the new breast tissue and stitches
Don't ask what part you are seeing this is just where the stitches are.

This is the underarm area where they took several lymph nodes to biopsy to make sure the cancer had not spread further and I was lucky ... (it seems it hasn't.)..from the pathology.
But all three of these areas are very tender and covered with "steri-strips"
I thought they would have to pull off the steri-strips then remove all the sutures,,
BUT ...... Thank God!! I was wrong..
When Kris and I got back into the exam room Kim the nurse said all she was removing was the belly button stitches. They had to cut and re sew my belly button because it was attached to the muscle wall that they moved ... And that attachment was in the way of where they pulled that belly area muscle and tissue up through ( underneath ) my chest wall to place the new breast... It is unbelievable to me that they can do this type of surgery with so few scars and stitches and with the drains... very little bruising....... But they have figured out how...
Kim said she would only remove the few stitches in my belly button and then trim the rest that might be popping out from under the steri-strips and that the stitches would dissolve on their own.. ( WHEW!!!) and the steri-strips could just loosen normally and come off as they turned loose..
I have never been so RELIEVED in my life!!
Except maybe when I finally heard that they think they got all the cancer out!!

Kim told me, as has Dr Dariush Vaziri ( Breast Surgeon) and Dr Paul D.Feldman( Plastic Surgeon) and now Kim, Dr Feldmans's nurse that I am way ahead of schedule in recovery and healing really well...
So thank you for all the prayers and thoughts and gifts and cards.... because I think it is due th all of you!
and the care I am getting that I am doing so well!
Friday is the Royal Wedding ... funny no one I the world has to ask
"What Royal Wedding?"
...Amazing how common a household word this world event has been become and how many people will watch these two people go through the majestic wedding ceremony! Better them than me... Just imagine the stress!!
And then a week from Sunday it will be Mother's day!!!
Such a sad time in my life now... I really do miss my MOM.....

Suture Day!

2011-04-25T10:25:00.001-04:00

Getting ready to go to the Doctor's and have the sutures removed... I even put some make up on today!
I saved the strongest pain pills to take in preparation because I am not anticipating this feeling good at all!
But once over I think the most painful parts will be over unless I have to do radiation or chemotherapy... But maybe I won't have to do that!
Wish me luck.. More later... if I survive.... My knees are knocking now!

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Saturday has arrived!

2011-04-23T08:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a "GOOD" day
Good Friday!
I felt a little better... let me tell you we take being able to bathe and wash our hair for granted.... until you cannot... Wednesday Evening was the first time in over a week I was allowed to shower and wash my hair....And it took the wind out of my sails to just manage that but it makes a world of difference in how you feel....
So Friday morning I had no Doctor appoints and I got up and got dressed with Lisa's help...and After resting and restarting I managed a pair of earrings and a little make up...I almost look alive It surprised me How vain I am!!!! I hate looking so sick....
The walls have begun to close in on me and I asked Lisa if she would mind wheel chairing me around the Sam's Club or Walmart ( and turns out we did both) I can't really stand up straight and I can't walk very far without giving out. But the stores provide wheelchairs and it was like heaven,, We didn't really need to buy anything.. but like all women because we were there we managed to buy stuff! Because it was there.
It felt so good (although draining) to be out with no real purpose and time to just be leisurely looking at something besides this house! Thank You Lisa! I needed that!
Saw Patti at Walmart and it was good to see her and catch up I do miss my Friends and I will eventually get back to being a friend again when I recover some more.....
MY next door neighbor mowed my yard for me .He and his family are going on a cruise and his wife had my yard on his "honey-do" list. Thank You Neighbors! What a gift to have People help like this!
We watched all the recorded TV that I have I missed seeing last night and went to bed feeling like it was a successful day... I am already really tired of "recuperating" but I don't think I have any power to speed this process up... My mind is doing much better than my body seems to ...I guess I must wait for everything to catch up an become a whole person again.. someday But the light at the end of the tunnel looks like it is a long way off right now...
Have a Blessed Easter!
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Happy Good Friday

2011-04-22T08:35:00.000-04:00

I have sooo lost track of time...One day just blends into the next , I am so thankful I am not alone here. Lisa IS such a gift She and Kris have scheduled it so One of them is here with me 24/7 And Barb comes when she can....I am really getting tired of hurting.... I am trying to sit up without all the body wraps they have me in and I must confess they know I need them to hold me together or at least that is how it feels....I cannot straighten up completely nor bend completely My middle has been invaded and re arranged.. It is slim and flat I will you that! But it is in a lot of pain.....Someday maybe I will think it looks good but right now I cannot even look at it or the new breast... It just makes it hurt worse... The really strong pain pills have run out and they do not want to renew them thinking the weaker ones will do,,,,I hope they are right.
I spend some parts of the day feeling OK and then the majority of the day not even wanting to talk to anyone.... I go to both ends of emotions from being just fine to getting depressed.... I hope the medicines
will see me through to the end of this recovery...
I went back to the breast surgeon yesterday and he says everything is healing although the cancer was stage 2 not stage 1 as they thought .. and he has sent me on to an oncologist to see whether they will prescribe chem or radiation or just estrogen blockers. I go next Friday...to hear from him So time will tell how much longer the therapy will go on..
Physically I think it will be a 4-5 weeks before I can sit at a desk and work a whole day... I can work from my recliner now from home but sitting up and dealing with people is a different thing...so I am hopeful that I can be as productive from here as I would be if I was at work or more..
I evidently had a fever(102*) during hospitalization and the xray showed fluid on my lungs so I have to go get another xray to see if that has cleared up now.
This is the most medical attention I have had at once in my entire lifetime....Can't say I really like this kind of attention..there seems to be so many complications possible.... we do not guard our health very well when we feel like we have nothing wrong with us,... I will be more careful from here on out about trying to be healthy.
I heard from an old friend last night that I had not heard from in a long time. I thought he had forgotten me and moved on to a new life ( a reason/ a season friend) and it really made me feel good to hear from him. I'm sorry that he had to call because I have had cancer but glad that we have not lost complete contact. Friends are a wonderful thing to have and I did not realize how many I have acquired so far in my life...
So thank you friends and family for the support you have given me,,, I would not be here doing this blog if it were not for you and the Doctors in My life and Dawn... my blessed companion who constantly watches over me and stays by my side ( like glue)to make sure no harm comes to her "mommy" Pets are such a blessing in each day... keep us connected to this world in a way no human can do....

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No More Cancer!!

2011-04-18T20:56:00.000-04:00

I made it....
I don't remember much since last week.. I went to the hospital on time arriving at 6:30am they took me back . I was out of it before I could even get really nervous. I was in surgery about 5 hours and stayed in the hospital till about 9pm on friday and they sent me home.. I have had alot of pain and been in LALALA land most of the time... still am really but I am having more time in between pain meds and become almost coherent at times..:-). I am so thankful for my family for taking care of me.
My girls have taken such good care of me. I could not have taken care of my self..
Today is my youngest daughters birthday Happy Birthday LISA!
I will write more later.

Todays is the day!

2011-04-12T04:54:00.000-04:00

Surgery got moved up to 8am I hope they don't move it up any more.....
I am showered and dressed and waiting on the girls and then we will go ...
This time tomorrow it should be over and I should be just living with the drains and tubes and discomfort.... and being waited on hand and foot...LOL
Barb and Lisa s came down yesterday afternoon and spent the night and we went out to eat "All you can eat Pizza" and we gorged..... But it was fun I have had an oppoprtunity to spend so much time with any of my kids in a long time so this has been a blessing in itself to get to be with them.. We have such fun together!
They are showering and getting ready for a long day of boredom and sitting.. Bless their hearts....
When I am well enough to travel and sit in a chair Judy Housley I desperately need a hair trim I am tryng to let it grow out so I will be seeing you soon.... for a trim...
I am praying there will only be good news this morning and things will progress towards recovery so I can get on with my life....
Thank all of you for the well wishes and prayers... I am so blessed to have such a wonderful support system!
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One more night!

2011-04-11T17:36:00.000-04:00

I went to the Plastic surgeon today and he wrote all his designs in permananet magic marker on me just to make sure the breast surgeon does things(cuts) the way the plastic surgeon would like him to do.
While I was there a Woman who had had some kind of plastic surgery on her face came in with 2 drain pumps attached her ( like the 6 drains pumps he said I would have) And Honest to GOD I have been trying to figure out what in the heck kind of clothing I am going to be able to put on until they remove those drains and they told I would be wearing them home., and it terrified me to see how they look I Can only imagine how they feel...c And someone has to empty and measure the contents and keep it recorded... Whew That was enough to make me take another Valium when I got home...
The hospital called and they have moved the surgery to 8am so I don't have to be there till 6:30 am now... I will be awake at 3 am I am sure pacing the floor waiting to go.... so that was NOT good news.. :-)
I am a nervous wreck, but after tomorrow I will be in pain and very grouchy but on the mend .. I appreciate every one's prayers and checking on me... And I promise if I need help I will ask...
My two daughters Lisa And Barbara will spend the night tonight and be here to make sure I get to the hospital on time ( Like I would miss this appointment :-) My sister Sandy will be there to greet me in the morning before I go to surgery... And help hold up the waiting room chairs...
I am lucky to have such a great family and friends network to support me Because I am not sure how one could do this without that net to fall back on...
I am worried about Dawn... I know she will be ok but she won't understand where I am and why I am not coming home to be with her... She has gotten so used to me being here and she knows ( animal instincts )That something is not right and will not leave my side.... she keeps me in her sights at all times if she is not actually in my lap or beside me...the hours count down.... As soon as Lisa arrives in about 30 minutes we will go out to eat ( My last meal) lol and then The Dr told me to go to bed early ( like that is gonna happen)!!! and be well rested...
I plan to be asleep most of tomorrow I don't know what he was thinking...!!!
Thanks for all the support and all the prayers .. they say i will be in the hospital 3-5 days depending on how I do... then I will be back posting and letting you know how I have done!
I love you all!

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Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things.—Samuel Shoemaker

2011-04-10T10:54:00.000-04:00

Always be ready to learn and grow.
Lord, help me today to see someone who needs my help, and let me see Your face in their eyes.

It is so much easier to help others than it is to help myself!

I keep finding things I thing I need to get done before the surgery.... Because I will want them done afterwards and if I deal with it beforehand I don't have to burden anyone by asking for dumb stuff that is only important to me......

I am not depressed.... that is not this state.... I am in "LIMBO" Until it is over and I can evaluate how well I can deal with the pain and discomfort and how well I can tolerate just "being" I will be in limbo... each step in this procedure brings me closer to my goal... Of back to normal Or at least back to MY normal which really isn't normal at all... But Then That has always been my goal in life! To be "NOT NORMAL"... I never wanted to be like everyone else.... I just wanted to be the best I could be at whatever I was trying to be at the time... Didn't matter to me if IT didn't please or placate those around me... If I felt /feel good about what I am thinking and what I am doing with my life then so be it! I am being the "GENUINE " me! It does not have to fit the "Normal Social Standards" that so many think are what you have to strive for... I am content to be satisfied with myself! I try never to hurt others but sometimes that just happens...and is unavoidable...

I have 2 days to get through.. Today and tomorrow..... and then Tuesday will be here....I will be shaking in my shoes Tuesday morning.. because hospitals and anticipated surgery just do that to me.. I can't stay calm... Just bear with me and don't demand and nice social behavior from me... I will be focused on breathing and not passing out the entire time until they Knock me out which they promised to do very soon after I get there at 6 am...

So the time draws nigh..... I will be ok.... It is the waiting that is killing me...

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Assemble your thoughts with a thankful heart and present them to the world.

2011-04-09T07:44:00.001-04:00

I have noticed that we live in America from disaster to threats to disasters and more threats and guess what??? Life isn't perfect but the good old USA is still going !!! We will survive this shut down just like we did the last one!!!! Congress needs to grow up or be put in "time out!!!"
Even if no one wants to listen....it is your right to have an opinion!

That was just in my head somewhere..... Have no clue why I was thinking those thoughts
....Well yes I do...It was the governement shut down thing that brought it on...and see... At the last moment they pulled it off...they agreed to agree on something... Our country is sick and if we don't get the cancer out or treated.... it is just going to keep spreading until we die. It is History.. ALL great nations eventually tumble down...You would think we could learn from the past mistakes.. But I guess not! Oh well that is just MY OPINION!

I have today and tomorrow and Monday to get through and then the cancer will get cut out Hopefully it will be all of it and then I can start to mend...
I sure have been looking at what I want for the rest of my life if I have one...... Having cancer makes you face that... I don't think of myself as old... I still have so many things I want to do.....the list is getting shorter because there are now some physical limitations I didn't used to have, like energy and stamina and muscle strength... But there are still so many things I want to do. I want to live at the beach at least 1/2 the year or full time until I get sick of it if I ever do.... I want to not have to report to work at a certain hour everyday I want to work at what I love to do best at any given moment whatever that is... I want to watch my family as they live their lives. I want a companion that will love me for who I am and not try to change me and someone that I can stand all the little nagging habits that most men have that might drive me crazy....LOL I want to share my thoughts and desires with someone that understands where those are coming from not someone that really doesn't care or even try to understand.. I want to be on the top of someones 's list not last after work, family, children, home maintenance, hobbies, health etc... I want to be the most important thing to someone... But It's been a long while since I even thought that was possible....
There are many other things that I want to have and to accomplish and yes they are all about me.... because that is what cancer does also.. It makes you focus on YOU and and all the what if's you have put off thinking about!
I am getting nervous , that can't be helpded I am thankful for the people who do care about me and keep checking to see if I am ok!!
ANd the answer is NO I am not OK... I have cancer...... and I dread this upcoming surgery and If I make it through it I dread the pain and discomfort and the disfigurment and the helplessness I will have to endure untill I recover... That is selfish ... yes... And I can't help it..
I think I have taken care of most of the important things I should have that might not have waitied till I am better.. I hope I have..
I realize I am a strange person when it comes to communication... I don't like to TALK about every little thought that goes through my head to everyone... I do have a few people that I do that with but on the whole That doesn't make me less nervous or less grouchy or more understanable....I am and have always been a better listener than a talker...but right now.. I don't even want to listen... all that much.. My patience is very short and my nerves are shot.... and I will be better... but it will be a while...when I am back in control of my own destiny then I will once again become the me you have always known.. but for now I am this monster who just wnats to crawl in the cave and stay there till the coast is clear...

I have a new Bracelet, And it's waterproof!

2011-04-07T17:48:00.003-04:00

Well Today was a real experience! Went to the hospital to do the pre op testing and paperwork... It took almost 3 hours....
That is a busy hospital!
It's address:
11 Southwest Upper Riverdale Rd
Riverdale GA
And Lisa and Kris... it is one block from the Krispy Kreme Store!!!
How much better can that be?
I will be in the Womens Health Center/ Surgery Center
There is not alot of parking and you have to pay 3-5 dollars.( That sux!)
I was not impressed because it is an old Hospital and the Fayette/Piedmont Hospital is alot newer... and nicer.
But I feel there is a reason I am to have surgery in this particular Hospital, on this particular day, with these particular surgical teams... so I am not complaining.
There is a plan and I am just a participant at this point. It is not in my hands!
Just as a note to those who might want to sit in the family waiting room... It didn't look very comfortable. but Then I a suppose they are never very comfortable :-)!
They put a waterproof hospital identity bracelet on me and I am to keep it on and because I am all checked in I do not have to take any paperwork to the hospital No ID nothing... They said I might want to take a robe for when they make me get up to walk the halls! but I will get hospital gowns for the 3-5 days I am there. I came home and the AC tech found all sorts of issues with my AC units.. seems Lisa and I put the filters in all the wrong places and the original filters from the factory have been in place for at least 3 years because I didn't know where they were or supposed to be..Anyway because of lack of maintenance and stupidity... and a broken part that started this whole fiasco,,, it was 95% blocked and very inefficient.. I knew my power bill has been atrocious and the cooling and heating have never worked very well. But I really thought it was because the house was 10 yrs old when I bought and I have lived here 3 years... so I just didn't do detective work.. I knew they had issues but thought I would have to replace them!... Whew!! It won't be cheap but It will be nice to have AC and heat that work well...and maybe I will have alot less dust floating in the air!
I really got a terrible headache after going to the hopsital It is sooo hard to ignore this conditon when you are a hospital and every other word you hear is about your condition now or your condition to be.....
So I am relaxing ( or trying to ... in nicely conditoned air) and tomorrow is another day!! and One day closer to Tuesday...
Monday I have an appointment at the Plastic Surgeon so he can draw his design plans on my body, so when the breast surgeon, who gets to go first, doesn't take the wrong stuff I guess?
:-)
Anyway after that then it is just survive till night after midnight, no food or drink ( which isn't hard cause I am asleep) and then I have to get up at 4am and leave here at 5am to be at the hsopital at 6am.. and then They Promised they will take me right back and give me the " I Don't Care" drugs and theysaid I won't care what they are doing.... Let's hope they are right! I am counting on it!

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Not long now....

2011-04-06T20:39:00.000-04:00

I go in the Morning to Southern Regional Hospital in Riverdale GA for the pre op testing and paperwork... Surgery is scheduled to begin at 7:30am Tuesday April 12, 2011( possible 5 hours)
I have to be at the hospital at 6 am that morning...so it's not long now....
No one has called to tell me it is a hoax... or the lab results aren't real or were a mistake... So I guess It is a reality I have to face....
I am getting more and more nervous as each minute.(drags by) passes..
I feel like my real life.....My life outside of cancer is passing me by..
So many changes at work , so many changes in the family and so many changes with friends...
But I feel like I am in a time warp.. stuck here...not moving , not going forward nothing .. zilch.. nada,,, standing still and watching the world go by....
And yet that is not true... My mind knows that my heart just doesn't get it though.....
I am getting a new roof because of the hail damage and I am getting my AC unit that went out fixed... I am beginning to get rid of clutter in case I have to move, fixing up the house in case I have to sell it...
I am trying to get on with my life and cover all the ifs ... but I keep wondering ....
Have I done all I need to do In case I don't get a chance to plan any further than next week?
Have I said everything I need to say to everyone I need to say it to?
Have I left something important undone?
I can't help but wonder....
Maybe tomorrow will be better... today has been a bit weird for me....my attitude has been up and down about every other 5 minutes.... I hate this erratic thinking.... But till next Tuesday I don't think it will improve....
Cancer has stepped Front and Center... and until It is gone from me... I seem to be stuck here...wondering..
I don't want to wish my life away... but I wish it was Tuesday next week at this time and I was waking up from surgery and being given pain meds......
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Paint Chips and NO Air Conditioning.....

2011-04-05T13:42:00.001-04:00

Bet that title confused you !!!
Last night was a horrible stormy night I got no sleep and ended up downstairs in the recliner... Because my daughter ordered me to get out of bed and go be safe downstairs... LOL
My power was off from 2am till 12 noon today.... Wow I really hate doing without electric power., we really take that convenience for granted!!!!.. But none of that has to do with paint chips and AC...:-)
My Mind works in funny ways!! Especially now....
Yesterday (before the storm) I decided to turn on my AC units. ( I have 2... zone ac) And the downstairs one was caput!! I tried every trick I know .. Circuit breakers ,reset switches... no go... NO AC..
So now I am thinking the Hail Storm Lightening must have gotten the AC unit... Diagnosis Tomorrow 9:30am... If it was Lightening it is covered by Insurance.. if Not I have to suck it up and pay... BUT....I Cannot live in GA recovering from Cancer Surgery and not have AC and one unit just can't keep the whole house cool!..SO we shall see what is the issue in the morning..( this morning After last nights storm it was really cold inside so I built a fire to knock the chill off... good thing it didn't electric to burn...LOL)
Now for the paint chips....Sunday the day was so beautiful... I washed both the Miata and my truck (2004 Ford Explorer Sport Trac) ....Love my truck, 90k miles and lots of love later... I still love my truck!!
As I hosed off the top while washing paint chips were flying everywhere... I was confused the paint is original and I have taken excellent care of it.... What gives???
I looked and sure enough a huge area on the top was just peeling away so the water just washed it all the way off... The top of the cab has grooves ( bad engineering design.. No outlet for the grooves to drain so they do hold water. like acid rain..) the paint was peeling from the grooves... (I thought it might have been hail damage but no dents)... but now I think it is poor Ford Design and paint quality.. I wonder if I have a ten year warranty on the paint? Must put that on my to check on list!!
The Insurance Adjuster came to see the hail damage and the roofing contractor came to see what the Adjuster said.... I get a new roof YEAH!!! and I will get the a new roof on the Storage Building and the Well House... and in the meantime I will get the rotten wood replaced and then I can paint... And this place will look good as new! So that went really well. .....I have a really high Hail and Wind deductible... so I will pay a little.. but it will add to the value of the house if I have to sell this summer. If not it will just look better!
Since I had no power until noon I haven't showered or dressed for the day..... So I am off to do that and then I will have a lot of work to catch up on since I couldn't do any connecting to work...without power...
God is so good to me.... I always see his hand in all that happens to me... each little thing (barrier) that comes up gets cleared up and usually it is better for me... Even the people I am getting to meet and deal with are all blessings at a time when I really need "blessing' to smooth things along...
I am so thankful... Things could be going so badly right now.... And even though things are bad enough...
I will adapt and I will move on... blessed by each soul I get to touch... and each moment I get to breathe... Life really is SOOOO good because it is all in God's hands and isn't it wonderful That HE KNOWS what HE is doing.. since I am so clueless sometimes... :-)
Off to have a great rest of the day!!

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Lawyer Day Monday

2011-04-04T18:58:00.002-04:00

Today after working I had to go to the Lawyer's Office to sign my new will, Living Trust, and Advanced Directives.... nothing quite faces you with your own Mortality than signing your will ...I'm not being morbid just practical...
I fully expect to be just fine after I recover in months from now....IF I survive that long.....
We all die someday and I prefer to think that I will have made it as easy as possible on my children to take care of my affairs, as my MOM and DAD did on my sister and me....
Death is a hard process for some family members (and I think there are some family members that would just count it as a day having to be off from work)but that's true of all dysfunctional families and I have never known of any "functional" families in my lifetime...
Some members will care you are dead and some will just shrug it off...That's just reality...
But still signing your own will ( your wishes for your belongings and remains after you are gone) is an eyeopener... especially if you have cancer and are facing surgery...!!!
The weird thing is I keep expecting someone, anyone to contact me and tell me that there was a BIG mistake and I do not have cancer....So far that hasn't happened...
Not dreams mind you waking thoughts!!! then I come back to reality... It doesn't help for people to say "Oh, I know 'insert name' and they had breast cancer and are just fine" that's them they made it through, GOOD for them I'm glad for them.... but this is ME!!!
And if ever a complication was possible I can have it!
Medically I think our family genes are an enigma....
Today wore me out.. I am amazed at how much I can rest.. and still be tired... I really think the antibiotics take all my energy ....I get a day of energy and then a week of being tired and listless... or maybe that is depression....
Tomorrow, a week from now... I will be waking up from surgery in pain and drugged ( ALLOT of drugged I hope).. I am expected to be in the hospital for 3-5 days then home for a long recovery.. but at least I will be on the OTHER Side of this huge moment I am dreading so much!!
Please forgive me for being such a wimp... Wait until ( and IF) you ever have to walk in my shoes and see how it makes you feel... IT is not a footprint I want to walk in again once this is over.....
I am not the sweet lovable me I usually am I am grumpy, I am rude I am crabby and I am tearful and clingy and needful and it changes from moment to moment... I am thankful for the friends and family that have showed so much concern for me and helped without asking when I needed help... They are priceless.. and I do not know how I could do this without them!
I hope tomorrow is better day and I have a better handle on my emotions...but I cannot tell before hand.... "Mind over Matter" does not seem to work in this case... I can "MIND" all I want but "Matter" is so erratic I can't control it!
Woe is me tonight... Hopefully it will be better tomorrow.. I will work on my "Attitude Adjustment Program" and see if I can alter the state of mind by morning...

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Revive, awaken and make the most of your gift - life!

2011-04-03T08:52:00.002-04:00

Revive, awaken and make the most of your gift - life!

Fill our hearts with love and peace-
That's all I ask for today.... for right now!
I am going to go outside and try to finish the staining of the landscaping timber...( I have what I consider to be alot of it on my two acres....You probably wouldn't think it is much ...unless you have a paintbrush in hand ...:-)
Then I am going for a truckload( they load it up and I can rake it righ into the bed off of the truck) of mulch to put on the back flower bed where the bananna treees and hostas and butterfly plants grow,,,( Anybody that wants Butterfly plants I have millions of sprouts and will be glad to share...) The I am going to plant my 2 upside down tomato thingys... With early producing something or others..(can't remember their names) tomato plants so I have something to cheer on, while I am incapacitated.. and going cabin crazy after he surgery...
I have 9 days left after I go to sleep tonight....to wait.... I keep finding drawers and closets and cabinets and spots that need organizing and things to throw out ... I knew they were all there but I kept putting off doing the reorganising . So since the diagnosis I have been "putting things in order" as I find them, Not putting anything off and I cannot believe how much under control my home is beginning to feel... I mean there's allot more that could be done... But this is the best shape it's been ( all at one time) since I moved in 3 years ago.....There's allot to be said for "IMPENDING DOOM" if you know exactly when it is going to happen you can prepare.....!!!
And what can I say... I am just a neatnik at heart ( and mind and body and soul!!!)....:-)
OK Off to start this most gorgeous day.... and when I get my list done today I will feel SOOOO productive and proud of myself... I did sort of overdo yesterday so I ended up taking a pain pill this morning.. but now after I warm cup of tea.. it's off to my paintbrush and mind engaging business.... to get through the day!!
Wish me luck!

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Saturday 10 days to go!

2011-04-02T13:05:00.000-04:00

Today is a beautiful day.... The sun is shining and the weather, although windy and a little cool is very warm in the sunshine.... I wanted to get the leaf piles that have been sitting for several weeks in all the wrong places moved to the BURN zone... so that when they get dried out I ( or a helper can burn them.) Burning my leaves is a story of strength and courage for me.... Sounds stupid doesn't it.....but it was overcoming an irrational fear!

But let me explain... I live alone so everything I do around here that I can manage on my own with out help I try to do... Somethings ( Like climbing on ladders and roof walking require extra Courage from me to overcome my fears to be able to do)and of Course there are some things I just cannot OVERCOME.... I live on two fenced in acres of beautiful hardwood trees. They are so beautiful.......till fall when the leaves leave the trees and and inhabit the ground... begging to me to move them so the grass ( where is does manage to grow, and most of that is just green weeds But mows up really nice!)can survive....
The only problem is I have a really insane fear of fire... in the house and outside.. I have always been afraid to burn leaves for fear of it getting out of control and if you could see the acre I just let go natural ( filled with leaves ) and all the other yards and houses close enough to set on fire you might not think my fear is so unreasonable.... I have a hose I know the rules of leaf burning... not on windy days, don't leave unattended make sure it stays contained , don't burn too much and don't the let the flames get too high,,, MY Mind knows all the safety rules... But my fear takes my breath away and I make every excuse imaginable to put off trying it.. If I had another soul to stand guard with me while burned I would act very brave,...

But I hate to admit to anyone this irrational fear I have...But this year I made up my mind ( like deciding to run a marathon , which I haven;t decided to do ... can't run) that this was the year I would overcome that fear and make the yard work much easier by burning the humongous amount of leaves I collect from my beautiful trees each fall.. Fallen leaves offend my sense of neatness.... to the point they drive me crazy till I get them gone. by whatever means.. I tried a mulcher and I am such a good mower driver that I quickly destroyed the mulcher and almost ruined the lawn tractor mowing up stuff.. I just didn't quite get the hang of using it correctly I guess because I thought it was a good idea to mulch up everything in my path... And evidently it wasn't made to do that! Anyway back to the fires..

I got my courage up and bravely spent a whole day raking up piles of leaves and hauling to the "Burning Zone" and carefully set them on fire...... I watched all day and way into the night to make sure the embers did not flare up and go berserk... but I did it...!!! Yeah Me!!
Now the problem is it started all this crazy rainy season and then I got the diagnosis of breast cancer and I just quit outside work for a while partly because I lost heart in everything for a bit and partly because the weather wasn't good when I felt good...
So today With this beautiful weather.. I have convinced my Daughter to come down ( to take back my purged closet clothes.....to her friends to pass on(clothes Purging is a WHOLE nother story)) and to help me go get mulch to do the flower beds before the surgery...

I had a few piles of leaves that had been already raked up but not moved to the burning zone so I went this morning and moved them.. It hurt a little I admit.. My middle is still very tender... But I wanted to do it anyway... I am a terribly stubborn person and really bad patient... when no one is standing over me making me be good! :-) Now I am waiting for my daughter and Grand

daughter to come so we can go get mulch for the flower beds and finish the staining of the outdoor landscaping timber and I am sure then I will be bushed and ready to relax,,, In fact I am bushed already,,, But that seems to be how I deal with the waiting... staying as involved and busy as I can to keep my mind from wandering to all the bad thoughts it might want to conjure up!

THIS IS THE DAY THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE, REJOICE IN IT!!!

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It's 1.5 weeks now...

2011-03-31T16:22:00.001-04:00

I guess I am having a bad day today...
Getting a bit depressed....mostly from the waiting and not feeling good.
At least the antibiotics ran out...until 1.5 weeks when they will start up again.... ... so maybe I feel better for a few days...Normal everyday life is getting in the way of my "waiting"...reading that doesn't even make sense to me...but I know what it feels like.... I want 1.5 weeks to be a blink of the eye... so I can get this over with....and get on...
Got news of a possible job offer today that would not require moving... But I have actually lost much hope of actually finding one here that would be willing to pay me what I make now or even a little less....I am probably making more than I am worth already but I have adjusted my life style to this pay and it would be hard to maintain it on less... Although I know I could...I just don't want to..:-)
Had a visit from a good friend today that was doing me an errand.. She is very understanding and one of the most genuinely caring people I have ever met.. Really easy to be friends with. I enjoy those friends.
I have avoided some and embraced others ..Don't ask me why? I just know who I can deal with and who I can't..and I am not being nice about it right now.. I choose to deal with only what I can deal with and when this all over with I will go back to being nice again.. but for now I am indulging me...
Working from home is going well.. at least I CAN do it...No thanks to my comrade who should be helping me instead of fighting me all the way...Some people are just turds and they can't help it, but it does not excuse the bad behavior they exhibit to others. It's a good thing I can do my work without any help from that one.... cause I'm not going to get any....
I have actually been eating better ( healthier) than I have in a long time since I have the time to prepare my own food .. While working in the office I was mostly too tired except on weekends to prepare real food. and just hunt and pecked among what was easy and fast of the healthy stuff I had here....
Now I actually can make myself breakfast and make lunch and make a dinner... Mind you what is good and healthy for me is not steak and potatoes...lol I am a very weird eater always have been... But at least now I try to eat better but I am losing weight(slight amounts not gobs)anyway... Have no clue how that is happening since I am not doing anything but sitting and sleeping... no exercise..maybe I toss and turn it off at night! :-)
Today I have a huge headache and I have researched and discovered that the weird eye issues I have had off and on all my life no doctor could ever explain to me, Might be tied to migraine headaches... The only problem I never had what I think of as a headache, very seldom have headaches.. until lately but I have had what is called "Auras", (vison anomalies) all my life and nothing helps them but to use self hypnosis (depending on where I am) or laying down and sleeping... some times ( most often) they block my vision entirely!... That is hard when it hits while I am working or driving... I suppose it is stress that causes it... weird that no doctor ever considered it.. Because I didn't have the head pain..I guess And since whenever I mentioned to a doctor they always just kind of pushed those descriptions aside.. In their defense I never pushed asking about it since it has always happened and I know it isn't killing me, it just can be very inconvenient ...knowing what I have learned . I will now bring this up to my Doctor and see what he suggests.
I heard it on the Doctors program one day since I have had so much time to "listen" to the TV... lately....

Transcript

A migraine is caused by changes in your nervous system. Migraines may progress through four stages: prodrome, aura, attack and postdrome. Not everyone experiences all the stages.
Many people with migraines experience the prodrome phase — subtle changes one or two days preceding the attack. This may include constipation, depression, diarrhea, drowsiness, food cravings, or hyperactivity and irritability. Alternatively, you might not notice any symptoms.
Some people with migraines experience a more distinct migraine warning sign in a second phase, called the migraine aura.
Auras are usually visual but can also be sensory, motor or verbal disturbances. Visual auras are most common.
A visual aura is like an electrical or chemical wave that moves across the visual cortex of your brain. Here, you see a functional MRI of a person during an actual visual aura. The yellow and red colors indicate activation in the visual cortex — the part of the brain that processes visual signals. As the activation spreads during an aura, a person loses normal visual function.
The best known visual aura is called a fortification spectrum because its pattern resembles the walls of a medieval fort. It may start as a small hole of light or sometimes as bright geometrical lines and shapes in your visual field.
This visual aura may expand into a sickle- or C-shaped object, with zigzag lines on the leading edge. As it moves, it may appear to grow. Auras aren't the same for everyone, so you might also experience bright spots or flashes. Auras are sometimes accompanied by a partial loss of vision referred to as a scotoma. Auras commonly last 10 to 30 minutes.
A sensory aura can occur at the same time as the visual aura, directly afterward or on its own. A sensory aura begins as a tingling in one limb or a feeling of numbness that travels up your arm over 10 to 20 minutes. The sensation can spread to one side of your face and tongue.
Another aura causes transient speech or language problems referred to as dysphasic aura. In the rarest of auras, the limbs and possibly the face on one side of your body might become weak; this is referred to as hemiplegic migraine.
A migraine aura usually precedes the migraine attack but can also occur during the attack. A migraine aura can also occur without an associated headache. The migraine attack itself can last as little as four hours or as long as several days. The attack is followed by a postdrome phase, where you might feel drained or washed out.

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Hail in Coweta County March 26 2011

2011-03-29T19:37:00.001-04:00

insurance adjuster is coming April 5th.... I have a Roffing Contractor coming tomorrow to inspect and see if he thinks there is damage.....
I have had phone calls from roofing firms Doorknob flyers... mailbox flyers... And to beat it all I saw a roofing contractors truck 30 mionutes after the storm had passed driving through the neighborhood leaving flyers.... WOW work is desperate or these are real go getters that are trying to get my business...!!!
Interesting to see how this turns out... I think my deductible is $500 but I think for hail it is $1650 now why is hail damage deductible more ??? I hate insurance...... I do not understand how they operate.. but I could not exist with out it..... My medical bills so far this last month are well over 30k...and rising with each visit or operation....good thing I have a job!

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2 Weeks from today........

2011-03-29T13:59:00.002-04:00

I have settled on Ambien! I think that is the best sleeping pill for me... It just doesn't last long enough. Lunesta is good but then I am sleepy half the next day...Maybe my tolerance would build up to them if I took them awhile ( BUT, they will NOT go to waste)

Ok... Today is Tuesday!
I worked all day yesterday ( Slowly)
I only accomplished a little though
seems our network was having issues I did not know about . The big disadvantage of working from home and being part of the Data Center.. When something is wrong... everyone there is busy and don't answer phones or IM'S or email until later... So I am flailing in the dark sometimes...not knowing something is wrong

But Hey that is sort of how I live my life anyway... Blindly charging forward ( all organized off course and neatly!!) :-)

I "Know" that my incision from the first surgery is there!!!!! It is still slightly uncomftortable, it is really an ugly looking Scar.... But then it will go in the trash bin after the next surgery so It doesn't matter what it looks like for 2 more weeks!

I put a picture of the bruise that is left today on my ankle from (days ago) getting hurt getting off the mower I told you about... Whew it hurts looking at the picture.. but it doesn't really hurt anymore.. BUT it did!

I have two weeks to go

It is going to be a very long two weeks waiting for the main surgery....

I do so well when I can keep myself really busy..... but I don't have a lot of energy and the antibiotics and other meds...
make feel like crap most of the time....

And the weather has been so dreary...
Sunshine would help allot!

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Sunday before Monday!

2011-03-27T19:17:00.000-04:00

Didn't sleep well last night either.. So I'm done until I;m desperate with the Restoril.. it just doesn't seem to work on me...
I woke up early and got dressed and came downstairs and connected to work to see if there was any work I could do.. A little but not much and I have been watching all day... Sundays aren't really that busy on the blackberry server unless it breaks down.....
I was so tired from not sleeping that I dozed most of the morning nothing on TV to watch and I am caught up on just about everything I planned to do....... So ate a good breakfast for lunch and piddled all afternoon.. I went outside to see if I could tell if I had any hail damage and I can't tell. But some roofing company had left flyers all over the neighborhood today! The house next door has two tarps on their roof so I guess they have leaks.. I may too and just don't know it..maybe I should go up in the attic to look?
I went online and registered a claim for hail damage so they will send someone to check it... We'll see what happens next.
I made healthy veggie soup for dinner and now I signing off work puter nothing to do there... but at least i could have worked had I needed to...
I go back to the breast surgeon in the morning for our final visit before the mastectomy April 12th.. He will set up the hospital pre op visit and then I have one more visit to the plastic surgeon for him to draw on me...
He did that for the first surgery, on , the day of surgery, this time he will draw what he wants to do with permanent markers on me the day before surgery. I am not sure I really want to see his designs before surgery.... especially if I have to wait until the afternoon of the 12th to get into the operating room... It's gruesome enough now, just knowing what he has told me and showed me pictures of what he will be doing... hurts just thinking about it... But then that is how I am ... my imagination controls most of my life.... always has....
I think I am doing very good at dealing with this cancer thing... I have NOT accepted it....peacefully and am just waiting for whatever to happen.....I am proactive. I am taking care of business as usual and trying to take care of those things I maybe can't or will not be able to if things don't go well. that's just old dependable me.... I don't know how to live any other way.....I always hope for the best and deal whatever hand i get dealt... the best way and in the best manner I can. That is the example my parents set and it is how I am made.
There are a few friends that I am disappointed in...I thought we were really close knit and I have not heard from them at all.... I have not told them specifically either because if they were really interested in our friendship they would already know...So I have let go of the idea that all my friends feel as I do about them...
I am not feeling sorry for myself just realizing that sometimes we idealize relationships into something they really are not....in our hearts and sometimes our minds have to take hold and shake us into reality so we don't get hurt by our "version of reality" that is just in our hearts... It's a bit sad..I don't like facing reality when it does not coincide with my own version of how my life is or should be...but alas.. that's "C'est La Vie....". a fact I have always tried to embrace ( when I have to)
It's been a weird day today weather weird, barometric pressure weird... and I have felt almost drugged all day but not in a good way! I am having allot of hot flashes today...I sure will be glad when my system gets used to not having estrogen anymore.. cause it sure is putting up a fuss right now because of the lack of it.... I am still not convinced it is a cancer feeder... but now I'm not willing to take the risk anymore... cause I sure don't want to go through this again...
Have to get up early in the morning the Dr appointment is at 8am.... wow.. what was i thinking when i made that appointment...???
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Hail in Coweta County March 26 2011

2011-03-27T08:43:00.003-04:00

This is the worst hail storm I have ever seen ( In real life) I was waiting to hear the "train" sounds signaling an impending tornado.... Problem is.....Train tracks almost run through my back yard and a REAL train came blaring through just at this time. I can't see the train, so I wasn't sure if it was a tornado or a real train ! :-)!! Oh well I was too busy with my I Phone capturing video.... Which really didn't show how hard it was coming down and how big some of the hailstones were or how much of the gound was covered .. It looked like it had snowed and the birds came out pecking at the hail Testing I guess to see if it was edible!
After it stopped a fog rose up from the ground ( ground was so warm and hail was so cold) it was the strangest sight to see!

Incredible Weather day!! in Georgia!

Saturday Drearies and God Given Gifts!

2011-03-26T12:32:00.002-04:00

Not sure that is even a real word!!!

But that is how I feel today.. I would prefer SUNSHINE today! I know warm bright sunny days contribute allot to my mental attitude..... Always have, I just never connected that fact till I got older... Maybe because I have had many more days to consider the truth of that matter... Age does have it's compensations! ( Not many, but wisdom and knowledge seem to be the main ones!)

I Couldn't sleep at all last night and watched the clock tick, it seemed all night.! The Doctor gave me another sleep "AID" to try Restoril...? and I actually had to go count the pills to see if I had REALLY taken it... I think someone stole the chemical out of the capsule and filled it with a placebo that did nothing for me if not the reverse and kept me awake.. I was afraid to try two or a different med.... I really am scared about mixing the wrong meds and they are giving me so many right now I actually have a spreadsheet and check them off with times and dates to make sure I take them and to make even more sure I don't take them too many times..
Seems like my life has different driving forces now that Cancer has taken front row attention... Things that used to matter a lot like wearing a bra...(Just a for instance) don't matter anymore and things that didn't matter now make a HUGE difference...
Small things may turn out to be big and big things don't matter at all anymore...
I finally got up about 4 am and took a Valium I figured enough time had passed that that was a safe bet and I finally did relax enough to go to sleep for a few hours.
When I woke up my incision was in "pain".... It hurts a little( I probably have done way too much activity this week) so I quickly showered and dressed (compression bandage too) and took a pain pill.  What the heck I have them why not at least spend the day relatively comfortable?
Then I started my routine changing bed sheets, washing clothes, vacuum the Miata, Well that's not routine but I hate it looking dirty on the floor... Told you earlier I was a Neatnik....! And now I am trying to catch up on things on the puter and records, pay bills and such that I have left while I focused on work this last week.. It was so great to feel productive and doing it from home in relative comfort... and peace.! I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to work from home.. Finances has been one of my MAJOR concerns about this whole thing.. I hate getting behind financially and having bill collectors call or worse losing the house.. So being able to work from here (And take my meds and not drive) is a real blessing.
It did not happen by accident though.
It is a gift I believe!
I have lived here for 3 years.  The entire time I have tried ( although not always very hard) to figure out a way to connect to our work network and use VPN . I live in a "DeadSpot" Literally there are no fiber or cables to this subdivision and the only means of internet is Satellite or dialup.... Hughes net does not support me trying to VPN and their only solution is for me to buy a commercial satellite from them and pay $2-3K a month for the connection.. LOL That will never happen....
I can connect but they have something blocking the return of packets to my machine so VPN will not work over my present setup.
I even bought a USB modem from AT&T but even with a cell phone extender I paid $300 for, didn't boost the signal enough to connect to work... I was frantic to figure out someway to be able to work from home...
I had received a $200 3G Microcell device from AT&T for free(like a small cell tower for your house) a week before I got the Cancer diagnosis.  I called and asked them why they sent it to me. They said because I was a longtime "VALUED" customer (which I have been since my first cell phone) But the only way it worked was to piggyback it's signal off your present internet connection (my satellite) It did give my phone a 5 Bar signal and my IPHONE worked great except for the audio, half duplex sound on phone calls so the delayed transmission of voice over the cell phone confused people like talking on old CB radios... I never gave it thought about helping the USB modem because of it's piggybacking off of the satellite. I had been given a Sprint USB modem from work to try and it made it possible to connect to work but the connection was soooooo slow It was impossible to actually do anything....
So in desperation I gave the AT&T usb modem a shot and Low and Behold....... I connected and the connection was so good, as if by magic... the microcell evidently bypassed whatever Hughesnet had blocked. I could actually work almost as well as if I was at work !!
Now tell me that is not receiving exactly what I needed just in the nic of time to make possible and impossible task???
I have always received exactly (money, things, people, health etc...)when it was needed most always by mysterious means... Unknown financial rewards (checks in the mail)etc... And I have never looked a gift horse in the mouth. I always thank GOD!! for he always always takes care of me.... I just forget to trust totally sometimes...And he gives in such unexpected ways and by such mysterious means, but I am just as grateful . I wonder how those without faith never understand that the things we get to help us over barriers can be God sent...But I don't question.... I just Know. Something My Mother taught me about when I was a child.
So Now the day is to be spent relaxing.... pain pills do that to me... make me relax... but I suppose I need to practice that a little as here in a few weeks I will be in "FORCED" relaxation mode for many weeks...
I WILL survive though I will get exactly what I need... when I need it!
I Know it.....

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Flopsy!

2011-03-26T10:50:00.001-04:00

“Flopsy,my most beloved treasure throughout my entire lifetime”

Flopsy has traveled everywhere I have ever been I have never been without her!

She was given to my Mother as a baby shower gift before I was even born, By an unknown (now) friend or relative.

Flopsy’s history includes many tearful tears and separated limbs that were always lovingly sewed or remade and put back to

gether by my loving maternal Grandmother Ethel De Berry who understood the extremely strong bond I had with this most loved possession… When I was taken from country to country, state to state ,school to school as an army brat,the one thing that was my most secret confidant was always trustingly under my arm . My Dad was embarrassed that his teenager would trudge up a gangplank or up onto an airplane with Flopsy under my arm, never to be banished to packing boxes or suitcase.. Flopsy was always at my side in case I needed Someone Special at hard times..
I thank you Flopsy for always being there when I needed you.
You have and always will be My Angel!-Memories

Linda Metheny English March 26 2011

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Thursday Thursday!!!

2011-03-24T20:43:00.000-04:00

Went to the Plastic Surgeon yesterday . Found out I was supposed to leave this Compression Body Bandage on... I thought I was a wimp because the surgery last week is still uncomfortable and I thought they would say "take that off you wimp!!!"
So I didn't even wear it and the Doctor asked me why I wasn't wearing it?
I told him a "fib" said I changed clothes to come to the appointment and just didn't put it back on ( It wasn't a total lie..I did take it off the night before though..LOL)
I sure was glad he said to keep wearing it till the mastectomy because it really does make that incision area feel much better when it is compressed..... whew!! When will I learn to just do whatever they tell me instead of trying to NOT be a WIMP!
I got up early this morning and started working around 5am before the network had anyone on it.. I got alot done and worked most of the day... the work is slower from home but I am working.
I have tried to take care of all the big jobs of taking care of house/home that I know I will not be able to do after the surgery and one by one I am getting things crossed off the list.
I got the call from the Lawyers office today to go next week to sign the new estate living trust I have set up . Mine was a little out of date... and they do all they can to keep my kids from having to use probate , makes it much easier if all that is aranged in advance and I needed the Advanced Directives updated it was out of date and Georgia has changed the way Living Wills are done. I am not thinking of dying.. but I am trying to be proactive and make sure that all the legal stuff is taken care of before the surgery... just in case. And after all I will die someday, we all will . We are dying the moment we are born.... some of us know when we are going to pass and some us don't and some go sooner and some go later... I'm just being prepared! not morbid.
I wanted to try riding the mower today because the grass was looking so ragged... I was going to call a friend to come do it for me but I wanted it done today! Yeah... Yeah.... I am that way I want everything I want .... NOW!
So I thought I would see if it hurt to ride the mower... Well it wasn't too painful but after that first swipe of a cut to see if I could stand it.. I COULD NOT quit.... and leave it undone so I finished the yard. I drove extra fast It was not real tall and I was really proud I survived and it looks so nice now... I won't get to do that after the nexy surgery for a while.
It was all good except for the fact that as I finished and was unmounting the mower, I slipped and scrapped my left ankle all the way down the step rail and blade cover and thought I had broke my ankle. All I could think was .... "Oh great now I am going to have a mastectomy and reconstruction surgery with a cast on my foot and I won't be able to walk or use my arms...Wonderful! " It is swelled and brusied but I don't really think it is broken.. I am such a Klutz... I am an accident waiting to happen... I should be more careful!
I also drained the hot tub... No sense paying for the power to keep it hot and for chemicals to keep it balanced since I won't be able to use it for 3 months or so.... Another item checked off my to do/to get ready for "being an invalid" list!
Believe it or not.... It was a good day... I was productive and if I stay busy I don't dwell on all the bad things I could conjure up!!!
The plus side of staying busy is by the time April 12th gets here I will have worked so hard I will be ready to take a breather and rest and relax for a little while after the surgery!
Life goes on.....
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Now I wake me up to live; I'll give life all I have to give. If today I face a test, I'll cope and pray and do my best. With each breath and step I take, be with me, Lord, for heaven's sake.

2011-03-23T07:56:00.002-04:00

I expect to pass through life but once. If, therefore, there can be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow human being, let me do it now.—William Penn
Remember that what we do for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
Lord let the words of my mouth…be acceptable in thy sight.
One of the hardest things I have had to deal with is my estrogen going away....I have been taking estrogen since my total hysterectomy in 1993.... and now they say I can't take it anymore in fact they will give me a pill that will "DELETE" any estrogen my body might be making on it's own one a day for the rest of my life... Estrogen it seems is food for cancer.... I have been told this before many times and some Doctors(mostly men) agree with that and some doctors aren't sure and will let you do what makes you feel best...
I have tried before to stop the shots I have taken (not pills mind you those never worked my body just didn't absorb them) but a monthly shot of estrogen has been going on for a long time... I'm not sorry I must stop giving myself a shot every month in my hip I never enjoyed doing that part of it..
BUT now I am in Estrogen Withdrawal.......HOT FLASHES and who knows what all of these others symptoms I am having are due to the withdrawal from estrogen.... I do wonder how long it will take my body to adjust to being without it. And will I become 'Manly" without it?
Don't laugh... all valid questions from a slightly vain woman...
I have thought allot about the scarring and disfigurement that is to take place in the next few weeks.. I say I am only slightly vain but I am probably more vain than the average bear! ( If I am completely honest) I am hoping that the reconstruction will make me be good as new and maybe even better... than before .. If they can do the tummy tuck that will be getting rid of a major "SORE SPOT" in my own assessment of my physique. Being pregnant with three kids stretches stuff and no matter how thin or how much exercise I did that little flap over my hysterectomy scar is always there.. gross!! I will be glad to see that gone..
And since I have always been small busted... any improvement will better than Nothing there.... I do wonder since I am having only one breast removed how in the heck are they gonna match the droopy one that is left. Hope they improve the sag in the old one to match the new one...:-) This is the first I have been able to even think about all this let alone share it with the world......and not cry... The shock is wearing off and I hope I have a better grasp on what is happening to me than I did when the Doctor first said Cancer... That really did knock me out of reality for a while...And I really appreciate the people who have respected my need for privacy(and my weirdness) and those that have been my rocks and held me up and you know who all you are, don't desert me yet I still need your support but with it I have been able to get to at least this first "ledge I am hanging on to" and I have higher to go so I still need you all!
I go back to the Plastic Surgeon today He is to check my surgery he did last week tying off or cutting or whatever he did to the artery in my stomach area...HE didn't even bother trying to make a pretty scar it is extremely ragged and ugly looking but I am sure it is directly in the path of the knife for the next surgery and there was no need to waste time sewing it up pretty.. Besides.. I can live with scars... I have always scarred easily and have quite a few . They haven't ruined my life yet!
I am expecting to have a GREAT day today!

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Today was a good day!!!

2011-03-22T20:25:00.001-04:00

Even though not everything is perfect .... and I do still have cancer.....today was a good day!
I am making progress with VPN and my mental attitude is so much better today!
I am incredibly lucky to have the family and the friends that I have for support I could not do it without them!
I sure hope this euphoria lasts.... I go back to the Doctor tomorrow at 3pm and then I think I am good till the 28th then it is post op hospital stuff more forms tests and questions... And then D Day April 12th... I will be so glad when that comes and goes.. because then I will be on the mend....however long it takes!
God is Good and all is well in the world tonight!
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Things are getting finalized...

2011-03-21T17:35:00.001-04:00

Well the Doctors office finally got the hospital thing settled..

The Surgery is scheduled for April 12th 2011 At Southern Regional Hospital (in Riverdale I think.)

That's where it was originally planned to be but things got screwed up and it had to get straightened out. So now it is.. Surgery will be in the afternoon (and I really dread that) They asked for 8 am and the nurse said they usually have cancellations so the time will move up according to how they rearrange the schedule. I hope it is early It is so hard to wait all day to go to surgery! Makes it ten times worse!

I am working from home.. That will be so much easier for me... I can continue to take the meds and not have to worry about driving... I am going to be a drug addict before this is over with... I am taking so much That it is really messing with my stomach... and I will probably have an ulcer next. Someone I talked to about it, said well if you cough or throw up blood go directly to the hospital... So I guess it is not uncommon for the meds to cause issues.I don't take drugs well I am allergic to allot of them and allot just don't agree with me or don't work at all, So just the medications can be a challenge.

I will miss being at work and seeing my friends but in my frame of mind I will be much better able to concentrate on work here at home.. Since our Virtual Private networking connections can be a real challenge to use.. I will stay busy just trying to stay connected.

Hopefully I can keep up with the work. I sure need the paycheck.....

I don't feel particularly good today I dreaded getting up and dressing and driving to work.. I tried sleeping without the compression bandage and the incision was oozing this morning so I guess that was not good.. Or I did too much over the weekend which was practically nothing...... I see the Dr again on Wednesday and I am fairly certain that this is not unusual, But I will be more careful about lifting and how I sit..

I am a really awful patient I just hate not being able to do things I see and want to do....That will probably be the hardest part of my recovery...

I have heard from a lot of friends and family and they are all supportive!
I have 4 units of blood donated for me, Sandy And Tom and Matthew and Jacob. I am so grateful to all of them... One more task marked off the list of things to get done before.... that is marked off the list.

There are still things to do I just hope I can keep up with all of it...

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Super Sized Sunday!

2011-03-20T14:51:00.000-04:00

This has been an amazing Weekend!!!
My two daughters came Saturday and spent the night.!
They did all those things for me that I can't do right now and I really enjoyed spending time with them! We had a really good time together.. Or at least I did! :-)!
My neice( from my Ex) came by to visit and was really great catching up with ther. The three of them hadn't seen each other in a while either And it was just like old times catching up. She is a wonderful young Lady , always has been.!
I am still very sore and tire very easily and really wish I did not have to go back to work... But In the morning I have to try .... It is 3 weeks untill the main surgery and I really need to work.. I hope it can be from home because that Way I can still take the meds and not have to drive.. I am not sure how this scenario will play out but trust it will happen as it needs to... A way will be made plain...
I have so many things I need to take care of I hope I can stay on top of everything....
Off to nap for now....

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Friday ... Thank God!

2011-03-18T19:38:00.001-04:00

I feel a little better today.... Still hurting and sore and dozing allot, but I think allot of my issues are from the reactions I have to all the medicines....
The pain meds give me unbearable indigestion and stomach pain.... and antibiotics usually make me feel like death warmed over.... I look like it too today!!
Had one visitor today and tomorrow my two daughters will be coming to spend the night. I know we will enjoy that! A few friends have said they might stop by .
And a few relatives that might be stopping over for a bit.. It will be a good weekend....
Then Monday I must go back to work until the next surgery.. April 12
March 23rd I go back to the the Plastic Surgeon for a follow up on this first surgery and final arrangements for the next,
Since the next surgery has to be co ordinated between the Breast Surgeon (who removes the breast and cancer) and the plastic surgeon (that comes in as cleanup to rebuild a mound that just got removed)... It is a nightmare of logistics.... I sure hope it works out as the plans are set out now.. and nothing pops up at the last minute.. to change the dates! It is done one operation right after the other I don't even leave the table they just switch surgical teams.
Matthew and Jacob are going Monday and each will donate blood for me. Sandy and Tom went yesterday and each donated for me so hopefully That will be all I'll need.
I am really looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend... makes it much easier to pass the time if I stay busy. and I don't really feel like going anywhere or really doing anything.....but that helps making Less time to "ponder" the inevitible things I can ponder on....
I haven't been online very much and haven't watched much TV
I have been sleeping alot though..... ( from the meds)..except at night... Last night I think I forgot the sleeping meds and didn't want to overdose and was awake moist of the night....
It is so beautiful outside. I wonder if spring is here to stay My plants that have been inside for the winter all need to go outside they only last so many months in the dry heated air inside and they have all reached their limit and need to go where the air is more natural... And they will bloom and blossom and grow all summer.... And there will actually be room inside the house to move around once they get put out for the summer months!
More later...

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Is today Thursday?

2011-03-17T19:40:00.001-04:00

Is today Thursday? I have been in a fog since before the surgery......

And I have sure been in a fog since the surgery

The pain is a little better today and I feel awfully weak and wrung out, but better than when I woke up from the first surgery..

I have one question in mind???

If I did not have cancer ...........NO WAY would I submit to all this surgery just to make my self image better...!!!

I have decided that women that do all those plastic surgeries to keep looking young are either VERY brave or VERY dumb!.. I sure wouldn't do this if I didn't have cancer. To each his own I guess.... I can understand correcting deformities and repairing damage but to Choose this physical abuse just to look better?? Whew I just don't understand that!

But of course I am the worlds BIGGEST chicken when it comes to having pain!!

I have been so in and out of it since Monday.. I am not sure what I remember is real or is dreams,, I am not sure what I have said to whom.. when I have spoken with others.. I THINK I responded ok... But Some conversations I don't even remember having LOL. Ahhh the world of a druggie!

I am trying hard to keep up with the meds (But as usual for me) I had to make a chart to check off or I could not remember what or when I did meds... How do the elderly that have no one to help them or take care of them manage this? Allot don't I guess... I am so lucky to have great family and friends to help me.....so many people are alone we need to seek those out and help them
Anyway "The Delay of TRAM" ( which is the title of the surgery I just had) Is not very pleasant . Not extremely bad, but still an approximate 3 inch incision and in a very uncomfortable place...

I have the incision closed with steri strips and a bandage over that and huge rib-ace bandage that wraps entirely around my middle that holds it all tight and makes it easier to move.

I am thankful for the "Dump -Me-Out" Lazy Boy recliner.. It sure makes it more comfortable to sit and helps allot getting up and down..

My mind has calmed down a bit.. I think because of all the drugs I have taken and been given in the last few weeks... But the shock is finely beginning to wear off a little... I don't shudder each time my mind wanders in that "C" word direction !!!
I am still wondering how much my life will change from this, but I can stop thinking about it for moments at a time now, that first two weeks I could think of nothing else!

I have to wait until this surgery's procedure has had time to redirect the blood flow to the breast area to give that tissue they will place there a much better chance of survival... I can barely imagine how awful it would be to go through all this pain and then the tissue didn't survive .. ( What an awful thought)

Anyway I am able to talk to friends and family now and not be so uncomfortable about my plight and trying to skirt those kinds of conversations.. And the truly good friends and my family are NOT treating me like I am about to die... That was a big fear for me... for people to not be able to remain seeing the "Linda" I have always been...I am still me and I don't need to be handled with kid gloves..

Compassion, thoughfulness and kindness though is a very different thing and I truly appreciate all that has been showered on me, I am lucky.

These days are foggy for me( which is partly good) and I am not looking forward to the wait till the main surgery will be performed.. and the long recovery I will have, but I must face it, and I will face it and I will survive it and I will look back and the painful memories of this time will lessen... as all painful memories do. they don't go away but they fade and lessen so they do not hurt so much when you remember!

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Face the challenges that you encounter with faith in your heart. Day after Surgery one

2011-03-16T14:42:00.002-04:00

Went yesterday to do the Delay of Tram procedure .
I was Not in good shape coming out of the procedure. I was in quite a bit of pain and the meds they kept trying to give me were not working. They finally told me they had given me enought for horse.. But it still was at a VERY high number... like an "8" for pain scale 1- 10.
They finally gave me morphine and I started itching all over, but the pain got much better... Then they rushed me to get dressed and get out. I was in 2 recovery rooms, recovery room 1 an recovery room 2 because they could not get the pain under control So I was actually at the hospital, longer than they anticipated..
It was not fun But I have slept alot and feel really goofy and as long as I don't move much I can stand the pain with the pain drugs they gave me.
I am still waiting on the Doctor's nurse to call me back to answer a few questions I have
It seems the pain medications although good at knocking out the pain are giving me very bad indigestion...But I am trying different things to help that .
Lisa stayed with me all night and got up very early and drove the 2 hours back to Calhoun to go to work today,
Sandy , my sister came down this morning to help me out and She and here Husband Tom are going this afternoon to donate blood at the American Red Cross for me.
Jacob and Matthew my two grandsons are going on Monday to donate so between the four of them I should be able to get 2 units of blood needed on hand for the surgery.
I am as good as can be expected for after surgery.
I am weak , not hungry and sleepy/dopey all the time..
Several friends have commented on Faceboook or emailed or texted. to check on me.. But this is the first time I have felt like sitting here at the computer for this lenghth of time and I am just done in. So going back to my Laz-y-boy reclining "Dump-ME-Out" chair I brought back from the beach house that used to belong to my parents.. As I thought it would be a good idea to have the help getting up out of a chair.. And I was right!!! It helps alot,, So I survived Phase one.... And will be on to phase two in about 3 weeks...
More later
.
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Worry is a thin stream of fear that trickles through the mind, which, if encouraged, will cut a channel so wide that all other thoughts will be drained out.—Author Unknown

2011-03-13T12:23:00.001-04:00

Sunday... and What a beautiful day it is today!!! Sunshine and fair temperatures...I love the Spring everything is beginning to peek through the ground.
I spent yesterday cleaning, sorting, organizing, preparing for a long run of not being able to do anything... Let me explain.... I am ADD or a Type "A" personality. and a complete clean freak!!!! I am on a constant crusade against unorganized clutter, dirt, dust, it all drives me bananas.. I KNOW how I will be after surgery while I cannot do anything and I am staring at the 4 walls.. I will see every speck of dirt and dust and every little thing that is out of place and go crazy wanting to put things right!!!
I don't expect others to do it for me.. Because in my "not so right" mind No one could do it to my specifications anyway.. If I had to admit to one really bad fault.... That's mine....Clean Freak.....!!
So I have been working all weekend to get things "IN ORDER" I have cleaned re arranged.. thrown out put away as much as I thought might be in my line of sight after this surgery Tuesday and this is only the first one.... But I will deal.. as long as the Doctor prescribes Valium..... :-)
I raked leaves outside mowed grass trimmed with the weed eater and the HOUSE looks soooooo good Spring is everywhere outside... The daffodils are blooming and everything else is beginning to poke through the ground I love It!!
I have one last chore I would like to get done today.... Give Dawn a bath.... but her sixth sense tells her she is probably next in line to be CLEANED... and I swear she hates water and getting a bath.. until it's over, then she runs around for an hour afterward feeling frisky... so I don't understand how in her little dog brain she hates getting a bath so much.. I mean I haven't drowned her yet! But she is staying just out of my reach... sneaky dog... But I'll win in the end I always do ... LOL
As long as I am "working and organizing? I can keep my mind off of what lies ahead for long moments at a time...
I will go to work tomorrow and try to catch up as best I can and then Tuesday will be a blur.... and Wednesday? who knows.... one moment at a time and right now I intend to enjoy this day to the Fullest!!!

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Dear Lord, help me to remember my words hold power. Help me use them only to heal, help and encourage another. AMEN!!

2011-03-12T09:53:00.003-05:00

Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity to heal.—Anonymous

Widen your circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.
Saturday......AND the count down begins......Sunday, Monday and Tuesday the first surgery begins.
I have to be there at 6 am....Piedmont/Fayette (same time/same place as the Heart Cath a week ago)
The same loving soul will accompany and care for me and drive me.. My daughter, Lisa... She goes out of her way to make sure her MOM is taken care of...But that is her role in life... "to care" and she does it so well....
I knew the moment I looked into her teeny little eyes the first time that God had truly allowed me to have a special soul in my care for a time ....and I have cherished every moment we have had together since....
I have no idea whether I will be sore after this first surgery and if I will be able to get up and move around or not. They have not really specified. And I have not really wanted to know before hand..... All in good time and me knowing will not change how it is going to be.... That's my "head in the sand theory" about life in general.... I prepare for what I can, I accept what I can't change , and I know that there are some things I cannot control and they will happen ( And NOT always as planned " Murphy's Law") whether I worry about them or not... so I would rather have a few moments in the "NOW" that I don't have to conjure up mental images of what my future will be like if..... Whatever the "IF" is or are........ I will deal with IT at that time and not waste my moment now worrying about it.!!
That practice has kept me sane so far...so I am not changing my ways at this stage of the game.....God is in Control ... So I don't have to be.........
I did a mean thing yesterday...... just say, "the devil made me do it"!!!
When I found out I could not donate my own blood in time for the surgery.... I needed to conjur up two blood donors and I prefer, if that is the blood they give me that it be someone I know has GOOD blood...
Like one of my 3 children...:-)

I also know that my son Mike is one (of many) of the worlds biggest wimps when it comes to needles and blood!!!

The first time he had to give blood that I remember was for a sports team at school.
We went to the lab and they had him sit in a schooldesk type donation chair and he had no idea of what was coming... He sat there entranced as the nurse stuck the needle in his arm Saying, "Oh WOW" look at this Mom!! I can see my blood pulsing into that container... " He said all that and swiftly keeled over in a dead faint..... :-) He was ok mind you just squeamish....
I say all this to preface what I did that was "mean"... LOL I had not actually talked voice to voice with Mike since the diagnosis. I know the kids have talked among them selves and they have respected my need to NOT talk about it . So I figured it was my time to break the ice and call him and get that first, "Son I have cancer" conversation over with.... It went well he knew already so he handled it well... He also had told Lisa he would do whatever he could to help me......EXCEPT have the surgery....
So I told him (with my tongue in cheek , which he could not see) "SON, I need you to donate a unit of blood for me.....:-)" Now mind you I already knew how he would react and I never intended to make him feel bad. I was just teasing him as I have always done his entire life when I see the opportunity to .... And I figured now was a good time to lighten things up a bit.... And he said anything for you MOM, BUT have the surgery and Donate blood....But he indicated his wife might since she was already a blood donor... I knew he couldn't do it.. But I just had to ask to hear him "hem and haw"..... It is so Michael. He is a beloved Son..... And I know him so well. He did say he would cut off his foot for me.. But I told him Actually I didn't need a foot I needed a boob and he said well he didn't have those.... :-) So you see..... It is all good... Now we can be normal again..... the ice has been broken... Cancer does that IT makes communication with the ones you love so difficult to do.. You have to map out the boundaries and make them aware of what is ok and what is not.....you HAVE to do that to protect yourself and deal with relationships.
Now Barbara surprised me as she was Number two on my call list...... She has never donated before ( out of fear I suppose) but she said she would think about it and maybe try to do it. And her Husband Scott said he would ( he too is a blood donor) I thought she would just say "NO she didn't think she could do it!"
So I was amazed...But she is like that and wants to help me.
And Lisa said she would but takes a medication which makes her unsuitable right now as a donor, But her son Jacob , my grandson volunteered..
Blood won't be an issue... I just needed a way to communicate with my two oldest children and get things back in the right zone with them..... I have been so closed mouth ( except writing this blog which I don't think anyone really reads but is cathartic for me) that I was afraid they would feel I left them out and did not love them...
And that is Sooooo far from true..
It is just that Lisa jumped in and volunteered to be here and do for me from the very first time I ever needed surgery(even when I was in Florida)and she thought I needed help and it was just easier not to involve anyone else till I had to...
Seeing that in words doesn't seem to be a healthy attitude.. But It is mine... It is how I am handling this... Healthy or not... Everyone who says they have the same relationship with all their children and relatives.... is LYING!!!!... You have unique relationships with each, No better or worse than the others hopefully, just the interaction and closeness is unique for each person you call family.... some are closer and some are farther away in distance and attitude. And all that changes with circumstances..... so your relationship with your children can ebb and flow with whatever is going on in your life and their lives at the moment....
All is good now..... I love all my children...and I am sure they all have different opinions about that... Our relationships with other souls is all in perception. And no two people ever have the exact same perception of anything... That is why we are unique... Thank God!! The world is much more interesting with the spiciness of different personalities!
SO today I feel pretty good the UTI is calming down ( I did not realize how uncomfortable and nervous it was making me feel...)
I didn't want to "rock the boat" so to speak by having something come along and interfere with the surgery schedule so I tried to ignore it.... and tell myself it really wasn't a bladder infection... But germs will not let you ignore them indefinitely.... I know that was a dumb decision now... I should have done something at the first sign of pain... But right now first and foremost in my mind is to get "THIS CANCER CUT OUT OF ME."... then I can get on with my life in My way....and I don't want anything interfering....
Although plenty of things have come along and ARE interfering... I just have to make it through each day...

Another Good Day!

2011-03-11T17:01:00.001-05:00

Today Is Friday!!
I went to work really early this morning and tried to get done all I could before the Doctor's office opened...
I have a UTI and it is painful!
I had to go to my primary care physician as a "walk-in" which means ... Wait-wait-wait... It took two hours for them to look at my specimen and say yes it is infected... Here are the drugs..
I knew it was( I HAVE SO MANY OF THEM) and I had the medicine which I had already started when I got up this morning. because I was sooooo uncomfortable.. So I dropped off the new prescriptions at the drug store and bought the makings for chili... I'm hungry for chili!.
Then it was home and try to connect to work by VPN... unsuccessfully I have discovered that does not work well until the evening hours when no one is on the network.
The it was time to drive to Easy Point to the American Red Cross to donate the first unit of two I am supposed to have for the surgery...
Guess What.?.. Because I had the UTI and had taken an antibiotic in the morning. I can't donate until I have been taking antibiotics for more than 3 days.... BUMMER.. That took an hour to get there... and almost 2 hours for them to decide I can't donate... And according to those criteria I won't be able to donate next week either... because of the drugs they will give me for the first surgery...
SO.. I will need to Donors to donate blood for me in my name ASAP to have on hand for the surgery....:-)!
Now I am back home still can't connect to VPN . even though I can read my email and there are lots of dissatisfied customers with Blackberries that haven't activated as they wanted... So I might go in and work a this weekend cause I will probably be out most of next week if not all..
On top of everything else the management at work is in Flux and changing.. and I am not sure how the new management will view my working from home.....
And I got a bill today for the Heart Cath ( just from the Hospital ) and It is $9,725.00 OMG..... I hope insurance pays for that!!!
I made chili and I have washed clothes ( one more load to dry and fold) and I am going to go lay down.....
I saw the heart Dr yesterday and my blood pressure in his office was up to 175 over ? (I forget )but it was high... I have never had High BP and today at the Redcross it was 120 over? which is more normal for me...
I am just exhausted...... going to the couch to try to relax with as glass of wine.... And see if I can think about anything else besides my plight!
Oh My Adorable Grandson Jacob says he will donate blood for me... He is such a blessing... always has been....And my Brother-in-law offered to donate so guess I will call on him.. Actually a Co worker said let him know He would donate also.... So I'm sure blood won't be a problem as long as ... if i need it they can get it into me... LOL!~

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Another Exhausting Day!

2011-03-09T20:12:00.000-05:00

Went to the hospital this morning for the preop for the Delay of Tram Procedure that is scheduled for 6am March 15 (Tuesday)at Fayette/Piedmont Hospital. This afternoon after stopping off at work to check on what is happening there it was off to the cardiologist and his report That I have a bad valve and ballooning aorta that should be watched but nothing needs to be done about it now....so I go back to him in 3 months.( He did say I am doing everything right to follow what he would have prescribed if I hadn't already been doing what he says I need to to stave off future trouble!)So I am doing ONE thing right.....
Everyone is just as nice as they can be for these particular kind of jobs. But the hours of waiting and the discomfort of waiting rooms or patient exam rooms the undressing, the questions, the paperwork is WAY too Overwhelming at this point...
I really would like Someone else to do all the "Me" appearances and paper work and answers...and even the undressing but unfortunately that can be arranged....
Mike said to Lisa he would do anything he could except have the surgery for me... And that's the way it is... lol
No one can go through this part but me.... And it is so frustrating trying to get everything done and trying to think of everything I need to get done. and keep all the appointments straight.. I use every means possible so I don't have to rely on my brain... I-phone calendar and email ( games and books and surfing to entertain during the long waits) Outlook calendar that I can send to work a real "Paper Calendar Book" I carry . Notepads, pens, and I keep forgetting to take my recorder to record what everyone says ... I try really hard to pay attention but my mind is wandering and usually screaming I want out of here, I want to go home I want to not have cancer,I do not want to go through this right now ( it is such a bad time) But Again unfortunately this is what is happening and it is happening now and is NOT something I can put off to a more convenient time.....
Found My boss is changing AGAIN at work And I really liked this one.... I don't know what this will do to me being able to work from home...... And I need to get Somekind of access going on the computer but I am too tired to try it again tonight... In the morning... I will try again and see if what they gave me from work will work out here in Nowhere land .. I pray it will I really need to be able to work from home... I do not know how I will manage my finances on less than a regular paycheck.... I pray that it will work out.... I am not afraid of dying or even think that I will. but I am very concerned with how cancer is going to change my life... I did pray for retirement....And I know better.... be careful what you pray for.... the answer is not always what you thought you would get...:-) I am OK... I will be OK... I will make it through... it is just hell in theses hallways though!

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OMG What a Day!!!

2011-03-08T19:25:00.001-05:00

I am exhausted....
Couldn't sleep last night so got up early and went into work since I knew I had 2 appointments one at 9am one a 10 am...... Was at work around 5:30...
Went to the pro op paper signing with the Plastic Surgeon for next Tuesday March 15 Tram Delay procedure ( where he clips/ties off an Artery?)... They took head to toe ( all except my face.)... Before Pictures..... I might be one of those magazine ads someday about droopy boobs and pot belly
"before "pictures.. LOL
Anyway, Then it was on to the hospital...Except the hospital couldn't find my info
They have me scheduled to be pre opped tomorrow not today... so I have to go back at 9:30 in the morning for that.
Then tomorrow afternoon it's back to the Cardiac Docotor to hear what he tinks about what he saw on the heart cath last week...
I have 2 successive Friday appoiontments to go donate blood to have on hand for the April 12th surgery.
I have an appointment Thursday to update my will ( it's not been updated since 2004)
All important stuff... I had 6 prescriptions to get filled
I am definitely going to be a junkie by the time this over and done with....
I came home and have been trying to get my network connection to work from home.
Working on it since I got home and I am going to bed.. I am just beat.... I am so sick of making appointments and giving out my medical history..
It's bad enough to have cancer... and be waiting to have surgery but all this administrative work and talking to medical people is enough to make me never want to see or talk to a Doctor ever again (once this is done... ) Boy Am I a wimp or what....?
So March 15th ( time tbd tomorrow) will be the first step of the reconstruction( as an outpatient surgery) and April 12th will be the REAL surgery.. They said today 3-5 days hospital stay.. That I'm not looking forward to and they said I will have 6 drains in me when I do come home plus two pain pumps.. I guess I will really be looking scary...
Oh well I will do what I have to do...
I have a splitting headache and Am quitting for the night...
It all starts again in the morning... I WILLLLL Sleep tonight.. I hope....
more updates as I know more...
I'm too tired to be nervous or scared...

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Todays Update! Surgery Date

2011-03-07T14:46:00.001-05:00

Don't know all the details yet but it looks like the mastectomy and

reconstruction will be on April 12th at Southern Regional Hospital ( Riverdale I think)

It looks like next Tuesday March 15th I will go in to have the artery

clipped off in my abdomen in preparation for reconstruction.

That is an outpatient thing in the hospital not sure yet which

hospital. ( or it is supposed to be outpatient.)

I'm waiting for the Dr's office to call back and make final

arrangements. I have to go in tomorrow to get the plan and go to the

hospital for preop stuff.. before next Tuesday.
Then one more visit to the Breast surgeon March 28th to fill out
all the hospital releases.( so I can agree not to sue if I die from
surgery) :-)))
And no telling how many more appointments and Doctors will get
involved. This is all a bit overwhelming... My organizer is getting a
bit large with all the information..
One things is for sure I will be some kind of cancer expert by the
time this is all over with or at least a good Administrative Assitant
Thank God for Ambien and Valium.....:-)
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A Not So Productive Sunday....but at least the flowers are blooming!

2011-03-06T17:20:00.001-05:00

Dreary weather today cold and wet now damp and cold.....I used up all my energy yesterday so I have been watching my netflix movies and waiting to feel better..

The groin area is really sore from the heart cath.. more than yesterday and hopefully it will be better tomorrow.. I drove to the dumpster around the corner from the the "WOODS" and dumped my trash and drove to the Senoia Post Office. to see if I could drive (at least the truck.. since it is automatic, unlike the Miata which has 6 gears to shift)...... I took Dawn along because she won't leave my side.... I was going to go to the store and get the things on my list but I found out I really didn't feel so hot!

Drained is the word.... No energy and in a little discomfort so I just turned around and came back home... I'll do better tomorrow..

I go back to the Breast Surgeon tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I will hear from him tomorrow and I am sure I am not prepared for whatever he has to say......

I know the Plastic Surgeon says it will be three weeks after he ties off the artery in my abdomen... and he hasn't even scheduled that yet or given me the instructions to give my 2 units of blood he wants to have on hand for the reconstruction and I can only give one unit a week.. so more delays.. I am going to "Raise CAINE" and be a pest to hurry them up. There is no need to wait and I don't want to delay any longer than is absolutely necessary! They are not in hurry.. but the cancer is not growing in their body it's in mine and I want it out ASAP!

At least the daffodils are blooming and the monkey grass is coming up thick....... Grass is poking through where there was just hard packed earth all fall and winter I think "Spring has Sprung"... I just hope we don't get a really cold spell and it ruins all the blooms....The ornamental pear tree out front looks like it's covered in snow....

Spring is a time of Renewal... I hope I get "Renewed" soon..... after all it is the season!!

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It's Saturday .....so...The simple act of stopping and looking at the beauty around us can be prayer.—Patricia Barrett

2011-03-05T08:14:00.000-05:00

Look around you for the opportunity to extend your hand, your time, your love. It is there.
God, guide me to see the people in my life just as You created them.
So many times I expect people to bend to what I think is good and perfect... and forget God thinks they are good and perfect just the way they are.... So I remind myself from time to time Or try to!
I am ready for some activity today.. I have been being good and not doing anything for 48 hours and actually
I was so tired and wrung out from that heart cath that It was easy to just lay around and sleep... SO not like me... But then this new Role I have been given of "cancer survivor" Has had surprises for me at every twist and turn...
The site in my groin where they inserted the cath is pretty sore but today I can shower and take the bandage off which is bloody and makes it look 10 times worse than I'm sure it is.... The procedure is so updated and they don't even use stitches to close the artery anymore, they use some kind of gel that eventually is absorbed by your body.. I think it acts like super glue... :-) I couldn't lift anything over 5 lbs for 48 hours so that meant not much more than a cup of tea.... But Today..... I have plans to do things. I need to finish my tax return and send it in ( I will probably need that refund for medical bills). I have good insurance but already my share of the costs so far is mounting steadily.... scary thought!
And I am trying to keep all the paperwork from lab tests and Doctors orders etc. organized it is much easier to be prepared for everything each Dr wants to look at than be scrambling around trying to remember it all ( Which I cannot do) So Organized me is filing it away logically so All I have to do is pull out my tabbed notebook and I have it all labeled and at the tips of my fingers... I just cannot be any other way ... Seems My Daddy taught me well to be organized.
I have several movies I have not watched and a chair that i need to troubleshoot to see why it isn't reclining the way I think it should( although I may have to wait for help to look at that.)
The day is drizzly outside and cold.. But I have a fire laid in the fireplace and I intend to have it warm and cozy and enjoy this day..... Maybe I will even feel halfway normal for a few hours!..LOL
If not there is always Valium to soothe the way!

This is the most beautiful place in the world to me.... And where I was last Saturday walking the beach..... My sanctuary! wish I was there today!

But....

I am good.. for those that want to know... I haven't completely lost it yet.. I am trying and I will get to the other side In God's good time...exactly the way and in the time he wants me to I have no doubt about that.... It's these hallways I have to get through I wish were easier to travel! :-)

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It's Almost Christmas

2011-03-04T13:41:00.001-05:00

2009 Who would have guessed all those years ago that I would be looking at the new year 2010???
What happened to all the years since then?

Dog Sense

2011-03-04T12:57:00.002-05:00

My little 8+ yr old Jack Russell Terrier "Dawn" is sticking to me like she was glued there...

She has been getting closer and closer for the last two weeks. Her sense of emphathy has always been pretty good, she knows when I am upset and licks my tears if I cry and she is joyous when I am excited and happy! But since the diagnosis she has planted herself at my side and has to be "peeled" away when I leave her. Those eyes penetrate me as she stares as if to make sure I am still here and ok...

There is nothing as loving as the uncomprimising love of your dog.. It is unconditional.. She forgives my bad moods and never waits for an "I'm Sorry" before she puts mistakes in the past a bounds forward to the next moment in her life. She forgives so easily and is pleased with such simple things as look and a smile or a pat on her head and is completely satisfied if she can just sit next to me like in this picture when she "plants" herself next me when I am still for a bit!!

She is always there I don't have to wonder how she is, She lets me know each moment and is always available. She does have separation anxiety But how refreshing ... wish there were people that didn't want to leave my side.. LOL. I love her . She will help me through this hurdle...And I am reassured to know she is here for me.! I only hope I can return her devotion if and when she has a "time of need!"

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Cardiac Catheterization

2011-03-04T09:18:00.003-05:00

OK had this(Cardiac Catheterization) done yesterday.....NOT much fun..... No one but a "patient" can know what invasive things get done to you until you have a medical issue... I know my parents, especially my MOM had many many "procedures" as they diagnosed her throughout her lifetime, seems she was born with things that she lived with all her life that kept popping up throughout to cause problems with her health. But the she lived to be 93 ( as did my Dad). ( I have to admit the last 2-3years of her life weren't Quality Living... But she never complained)
I am such a whiner I do not like being incapacitated in an any way.. so I gripe and grumble about each new instruction I get from the doctors: about what I can't do... I am a terrible patient!
Cardiac catheterization (also called cardiac cath or coronary angiogram) is an invasive imaging procedure that tests for heart disease by allowing your doctor to "see" how well your heart is functioning. During the test, a long, narrow tube, called a catheter, is inserted into a blood vessel in your arm or leg and guided to your heart with the aid of a special X-ray machine. Contrast dye is injected through the catheter so that X-ray movies of your valves, coronary arteries, and heart chambers can be created.
If the catheter was inserted in your groin, the introducer sheath will be removed and the incision will be closed with stitches, a collagen seal, or applied pressure. In some situations, the introducer sheath may be sutured into place and removed after the bleeding stops. A collagen seal is a protein material that works with your body's natural healing processes to form a clot in the artery.

I was given some kind of drug but I was awake.during this procedure. the area they cut was numbed and I didn't feel allot of pain. I could feel the dye when they injected it It felt like liquid fire rushing through every vein in my body.
The site is sore today and my arm is sore where the IV was And I feel like S_ _ _ but they said there was no blockage just the bad valve etc they already knew about . My heart beats too slow and they say in a few years if it slows down anymore I will need pacemaker ( just like my MOM had)
I suppose years ago.. someone with a heart that continued to slow down would just eventually get to the point where it stopped and they died a natural death. Not today.. we are made to be bionic...extra parts to keep us going..
Lisa came down and drove me to and from the procedure and stayed with me till she was sure I would be ok. It is fantastic to have family that wants to help out What do people do that don't have family to help?
Ok Now I have one more procedure ( that I know about) to have done Before I can have the mastectomy and reconstruction done.
The plastic Surgeon is going to clip off some artery in my abdomen and it has to "cook" for 2-3 weeks to assure the reconstruction site has a super good blood flow to support the tissue they put there. I go back to the breast surgeon On Monday to be updated ( I think) on the co ordination of all these procedures.
At least now I have a surgical clearance for my heart . so it is on to next thing( doctor)
Have a really bad hangover like head ache today so it's couch time like they told me.. 48 hours no driving and no lifting anything to make sure the artery stays shut that they opened yesterday..
More later.....
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More Surprises

2011-03-02T17:20:00.000-05:00

Well Nothing is going as I planned.....

Went to the cardiologist today to follow up a couple of "NOT NORMAL" heart tests.

I expected to walk out with a surgical release instead I must go for heart cath in the morning

I knew my heart had issues it is slow but up till now it was just a watch it carefully kind of thing.

Now they think in 10 years I will need a pacemaker. My heart is too slow.... and valves aren't pumping right, I have a murmur and prolapse and they are checking for narrowing of the arteries I guess.

I don't even have high cholesterol . And I thought I was pretty healthy.. Just goes to show you!

I am really tired and uptight about all these tests and procedures I am going to go through...Mentally and physically this is exhausting. Emotionally it is devastating......

I just want to be on the other side of all this preparation and procedures, the surgery and then the recovery.... I want to be looking back and saying "Whew! It's all over with now."

I appreciate all the support from Friends and Family.

I need all of you!

More after tomorrow....

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Life Is So Good!

I have started packing up to move....

A new Year and Hope for a new way of life!

My Birthday Anniversary!

Two days of unemployment and I'm already bored!

A brand New Year!! Welcome 2012

Hump Day and the end of my Job!

Is December going to get better??

Thanksgiving Eve in the ER

It's been awhile but I am still here!

Sleepless Night

Foot Pain and Mondays!

Fall is in the AIR!

Hope for hot flashes!!

My interest in the process has increased

The history of Masectomy Surgery and an explanation with pictures of the surgery and reconstruction I had.

This is the type of reconstruction I had.

TRAM Flap

TRAM Flap Reconstruction

Nipple Areola Tattoo

Nipple areola tattoo procedure

Immediately after nipple areola tattoo procedure

Final appearance after the tattooing has healed

WOW it is September already!!!

There is hope!

Sunday and Blue

It’s Monday and

16 weeks have passed

Heat Wave AGAIN!!

There are yet Miracles to see

I have been Remiss!

Another HOT HOT HOT day! Summer is here!!

Slow Progress Recovering

Fathers Day

Ok now worry is setting in....

Monday Monday!

Exemestane(ex e mes' tane)generic for Aromasin

Why is this medication prescribed?

What side effects can this medication cause?

Look at #1 Geez!

About Hot FLASHES

Hormones, Menopause and Hot Flashes

Treating Hot Flashes

Lots More Information

So Linda...........How's it going? I know you're feeling a lot better......What's this like?

Good News and Fridays

A New Roof.....

When it rains ...it pours... but it is not all water........

Friday the 13th

Another Monday in the life of.......

Tact is getting your point across without stabbing someone with it!

May today there be peace within

No Regrets

Beautiful Sunday!

life at 65 is not as bad as I thought it might be when I was 25!!

The United States celebrates Mother's Day on the second Sunday in May. In 2011, the date for Mother's Day is Sunday, May 8.

Suture Day!

Saturday has arrived!

Happy Good Friday

No More Cancer!!

Todays is the day!

One more night!

Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things.—Samuel Shoemaker

Assemble your thoughts with a thankful heart and present them to the world.

I have a new Bracelet, And it's waterproof!

Not long now....

Paint Chips and NO Air Conditioning.....

Lawyer Day Monday

Revive, awaken and make the most of your gift - life!

Saturday 10 days to go!

It's 1.5 weeks now...

Hail in Coweta County March 26 2011

2 Weeks from today........

Sunday before Monday!

Hail in Coweta County March 26 2011

Saturday Drearies and God Given Gifts!

Flopsy!

Thursday Thursday!!!

Now I wake me up to live; I'll give life all I have to give. If today I face a test, I'll cope and pray and do my best. With each breath and step I take, be with me, Lord, for heaven's sake.

Today was a good day!!!